Six Word Theater

Six Word Theater

Click here for last week's entry.

Inspired by the challenge Hemingway undertook to tell a story
in six words("For Sale: baby shoes. Never worn.”), I attempt
to polish my skills by telling a six-word story or phrase each
Wednesday.

Feel free to "continue the story"
or start your own.

Today's Entry:


"Forget me!"
She did.

Heart's atrophied.



-Adam

Better Living Through Absurdity

This week's topic: It's a Double-X Chromosome Thing

The female of the species generally comes with her own particular set of quirks. These differ from those of men in that they tend to have a higher potential for irrationality, irritability and usually, an illogical sort of premise that’s being followed. I can say this, because I am female. Some women are smart enough and learn to reject some of these more annoying foibles of womankind –other’s…like the vast majority…aren’t.

One in particular that has always fascinated me is the need for one woman to prove something to another women –especially when a man is involved. Now men are often accused of “marking their territory” or getting into pissing contests –and yeah, they do have a tendency from time to time to act rather boorish. But women are just as guilty of this, if not more so. Because they’ll mark territory even when a) there’s no dispute of ownership or b) there’s no ownership to begin with. Hence the illogical sort of premise I mentioned earlier.

Here are a couple of cases to prove this less-than-miraculous bit of nature:

I was talking with a friend of mine at school…male of course…who I’ve never had more than a friendship with. But we are good friends and extremely comfortable with each other, so perhaps that’s misinterpreted somehow. Anyways, we’re outside having a conversation and a girl walks up. We both acknowledged her and continued with our talk –I knew she was in one of his other classes and I knew he thought she was attractive. But as we were discussing something kind of important, we just wanted to get it out of the way before starting another conversation with a third party. She decides for some reason that I’m a threat. Despite the fact that I smiled at her and said to just give us a sec to get some details clear AND complimented her on something –I was a threat. No ownership, no challenge –and yet, she felt she had to do something about me. So as I take off my glasses to clean them, she neatly inserts herself between us and gives a startled, “Oh!” sound. We both look at her and she says, “You know, without your glasses, you’re ALMOST pretty!” I just raise an eyebrow and say, “I try.” But my friend is staring at her totally aghast –all he can think to say is, “Bitch!” Which of course, was not the desired result she had hoped for. She stomped off, I was trying not to laugh too hard and my friend was trying to figure out what just happened.

Another time I’m out at a restaurant and there’s a guy there who I’m friends with and we’re chatting at the bar, just enjoying our cocktails, reminiscing about old times and catching up a bit –and this girl walks over. Now she’s apparently a regular and she’s got a little thing for my friend. So of course, I become the enemy. She sits down next to him –close enough to be sucking up his portion of the room’s oxygen supply. She then proceeds to lean over, her shirt gaping to expose a bony chest with no hint of curve and gives me “that look.” I just raise my glass slightly and smirk at her, shaking my head a bit. She then drapes herself all over him –arms and legs tangling like some sort of over-tanned bit of calamari. It was actually quite hideous to watch. He looks distinctly uncomfortable and he’s trying to politely disengage from the corpse-like grip the succubus is attempting to maintain. I’m laughing at this point –and of course, like any animal in the wild, she acts like she’s scented fresh pray –so she leans over him again and says to me in this overly-saccharine voice that promises nothing but eternal shame and damnation, “I hope you don’t mind that I’m so friendly –but he’s just SOOOOOOO cute, don’t you think?” At which point, I give her the gimlet eye and shrug slightly saying, “Well it doesn’t really bother me at all if you want to play barnacle –but his boyfriend would sure give you a smack or two if he caught you!”

*shakes head sadly*

Women. We fight for the right to vote, we declare that we are independent, determined, capable, we assert that we are equal to anyone, male or female, and we loudly claim that we are the more logical, rational and mature of the species. All of that may be true –but if you’ve ever seen a group of girlfriends go to a bar or club, where the ratio of good-looking men is far lower than that of women, you’ll quickly see that perky group of BFF’s turn into a writhing, ugly mass of embarrassing comments, blatantly false rumors and an overabundance of weight-related insults, all in order to determine which one of those future sacrifices on the alter of thick-necked, ham-fisted groping gods, will emerge as Queen Cunt.

I’d bring popcorn if I was you.

Bedbugs XXIX

Bedbugs XXIX

Click here for an explanation of how Bedbugs is created.

Click here for last week's Bedbugs.



Measured and metered sounds that fall outside the range
your ears can pick up. It's driving me crazy, unborn and aborted
ideas and ideals practiced out of societal context. Memories
that get fractured before they're even planted firmly in
frontal lobes lined up eagerly waiting for something,
anything, besides reruns. Light in your attic
was put there by the man I won't speak about.
I manage the same place as the music. Then
where does the light come from?
Feeling and following my own lead brings eager
groups back to the mental slaughterhouse. Pretension
is on the first floor, talkers and doers have been brought
upstairs though nobody's heard from them again. Two of
them can reach it but they're waiting until someone
gives them financial incentive.
Waking up, she knows someone has been there. Selling and
not buying her memories. One door ahead tells her to wait,
the other tells her to listen to her own tune they put
in her head. Matter of silence- this is the song's best part.



Next week's seven phrases/groups of words:


-dissolved into bits smaller than
-wolf in the bleached forest
-pulling color from the leaves
-don't make me care
-silk under me
-one more time is yearned for
-best to leave this one alone


-Adam

The Boxpress "NEW" Music Time Show with Brian Hughes #2

A musical series in which Brian delves into the current music scene. The idea: put into big, neon lights new and exciting music.

Show# 2: Dr. Dog and Caribou. PLAY PODCAST

Dr. Dog performs "We All Belong" in Philadelphia at their CD release party.

Caribou performs "Melody Day" in The Pink Room.

If you think you might want to listen to some more of my podcasts - please click below:

Show #1: Variations on the classic song "Fly Me To The Moon."

Show #2: "Perfect: Part 1"

Show#3: "Perfect: Part 2"

Show#4: "Last Songs by 5 Great Artists"

Show#5: "Perfect: Part 3"

Show#6: "The Story Songs"

Show#7: "Bob Dylan: Part 1"

Show#8: "Perfect: Part 4"

"New" #1: King Khan and The Shrines/ O'Death

Six Word Theater

Six Word Theater

Click here for last week's entry.

Inspired by the challenge Hemingway undertook to tell a story
in six words("For Sale: baby shoes. Never worn.”), I attempt
to polish my skills by telling a six-word story or phrase each
Wednesday.

Feel free to "continue the story"
or start your own.

Today's entry:


Stranger offers toddler
toys.

Empty
sandbox



-Adam

Better Living Through Absurdity

Again, this shall be brief, not only because I've been ill but because I'm in the last week of the semester and slammed with projects and work.

This incident occurred a couple of days ago...


I stopped off at a restaurant for a quick drink/meeting with my boss and, as happens from time to time, I had to use the ladies room.

I went inside, marveled at the roomy stall, and of course, sat down to take a piss. Now, I don't know if this happens to other people, but I find that if I'm not concentrating on the fact that I have to pee, I won't. And my mind started to wander. And I began to sing. In a very low voice, I did my best imitation of Paul Robeson singing, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and I confess, I loved the sound of my voice, made even deeper by illness, echoing off the tiled walls of this admittedly well-appointed water-closet.

There I am, lost in thought, doing my "negro spiritual best" while NOT taking a piss...and then I hear it.

The rustle of feet, the sound of the toilet paper dispenser, pants being pulled up -and a toilet flushing. Not my toilet. Another toilet. Another pair of feet walking by my stall. My singing ceased abruptly and an almost painful silence filled the restroom.

Quickly I began to perform the task I had come in there for originally, waited till the other person had departed and hied myself out of there posthaste.

On my way out I was stopped by one of the waitstaff. She said, "Excuse me, but while you were in there, did you happen to notice if a man was in one of the stalls?"

I opened my mouth. I closed it. I opened it again. And closed it once more. And then I shrugged my shoulders, raised an eyebrow and said quite archly, "I didn't happen to inspect them all -but I can say that there most certainly wasn't one in mine!" and walked back to my table with the best Joan Collins swagger I could muster.

I didn't stick around to see what happened, but I can only assume there was a search of the restroom, and now the place will forever have some story to tell about how a man who sounds like Paul Robeson haunts their ladies restroom.

just asKing

Melissa King's health, career and relationship advise column for The Boutros Boutros Follies! Check out the first entry here and her website MyHeartDances

Hi! Thanks so much for your questions. Please keep them coming! I love talking about relationships and making career choices too, so please send them in as well: melissa@myheartdances.com

Q: What is the best way for a woman to add more calcium to her diet without adding a lot of calories? Thank you!

A: Dairy products are usually the first things people think of when they want to get calcium, but there are a lot of other sources as well, dark green vegetables like callard greens, kale, broccoli, mustard greens, and bok choy. Sardines (with bones) packed in mustard or tomato sauce can be a low calorie meat option (check the nutrition label, calories vary with the brand), also tofu and soy milk that have calcium added. Of course you can also add a calcium supplement; current thought is that calcium citrate is the type best absorbed by the body. 1000 - 1200mg a day is often what is recommended for women and you should split it into two separate doses - for instance 500mg in the morning and 500 at night.

Q: I'm 29 years old and all of my life I have been able to eat whatever I want and not gain weight. But in the last two years I have gained 18lbs. I'm not sure what's going on. I get regular exercise, but since I've never had to worry about it, my eating habits are terrible. How can I correct this situation?

A: If you came into my office I would ask you a lot more questions: What exactly are your eating habits? What do you do for exercise? Has your life changed in any way since before you started to gain weight?

At first glance, you might say "no, it hasn't changed," but if you look a little closer, you may see a decline in physical activity, a rise in nights in front of the TV with your favorite ice cream, or an increase in stress.

It is often said that our metabolism slows as we get older, and maybe that's true, but it seems that people never consider the other factors that change as we get older. After we graduate from college, we usually head to a job that requires us to sit all day. Then, coming home late, we grab fast food because it's quick, and get home and relax - exercise and cooking a healthy meal being the last thing we want to do. Then we get married, have children, and our time for physical activity decrease, not to mention the temptation of having oreo cookies and other treats always around for the kids.

Exercise

But let's assume you aren't married with kids, not too much has changed since before you started gaining weight, and your doctor has ruled out any physical problems. You say that you get regular exercise. Our bodies become very efficient at the physical activities we are regularly engaged in, so if you are doing the same exercise you have always done, your body is not as challenged by it as it used to be, and therefore you burn less calories. You can easily fix this by changing up your routine. For instance, if you jog, you can simply add more hills, or do interval training by including short sprints.

Eating

It seems that as we get older, we become more likely to eat for boredom or loneliness. And if you have never had to worry about your eating habits, I can understand how it would be especially difficult to make changes. You might want to start with just one or two things like: add more veggies to your diet - you can add vegetable to almost anything - soup, sandwiches, pasta, pizza; drink water instead of soda or juice (these drinks add calories but don't make us feel full), choose more natural foods and try to avoid processed or packaged foods. Think about what healthy foods you do like: What vegetables? What fruits? What kind of whole grains (maybe have oatmeal instead of a bagel for breakfast).

If the topic of healthy eating interests you, I would recommend getting a book that makes healthy eating fun and very simple without including fad diet ideas. Integrative Nutrition and The Energy Balance Diet are two of my favorites (these are essentially the same book). If you really want to make some bigger changes and want to look further at your specific needs, please feel free to contact me for an appointment.

Have a question for Melissa?
Post it in the comments or
email her: melissa@myheartdances.com