Better Living Through Absurdity

Again, this shall be brief, not only because I've been ill but because I'm in the last week of the semester and slammed with projects and work.

This incident occurred a couple of days ago...


I stopped off at a restaurant for a quick drink/meeting with my boss and, as happens from time to time, I had to use the ladies room.

I went inside, marveled at the roomy stall, and of course, sat down to take a piss. Now, I don't know if this happens to other people, but I find that if I'm not concentrating on the fact that I have to pee, I won't. And my mind started to wander. And I began to sing. In a very low voice, I did my best imitation of Paul Robeson singing, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot" and I confess, I loved the sound of my voice, made even deeper by illness, echoing off the tiled walls of this admittedly well-appointed water-closet.

There I am, lost in thought, doing my "negro spiritual best" while NOT taking a piss...and then I hear it.

The rustle of feet, the sound of the toilet paper dispenser, pants being pulled up -and a toilet flushing. Not my toilet. Another toilet. Another pair of feet walking by my stall. My singing ceased abruptly and an almost painful silence filled the restroom.

Quickly I began to perform the task I had come in there for originally, waited till the other person had departed and hied myself out of there posthaste.

On my way out I was stopped by one of the waitstaff. She said, "Excuse me, but while you were in there, did you happen to notice if a man was in one of the stalls?"

I opened my mouth. I closed it. I opened it again. And closed it once more. And then I shrugged my shoulders, raised an eyebrow and said quite archly, "I didn't happen to inspect them all -but I can say that there most certainly wasn't one in mine!" and walked back to my table with the best Joan Collins swagger I could muster.

I didn't stick around to see what happened, but I can only assume there was a search of the restroom, and now the place will forever have some story to tell about how a man who sounds like Paul Robeson haunts their ladies restroom.