Better Living Through Absurdity -The Ass End of Asinine

So the year is coming to a close. In a matter of hours, 2009 will be over and 2010 ushered in. And for my part, all I can say is, thank god. What a shit fucking year. I can't recall when I've felt so tired just from contemplating all that happened in a year...but when I mentally review this one, I just want to stop every few seconds to reach for a bottle of bourbon and a tally sheet. The "pro's" column looks decidedly grim, I must say, though at least it isn't entirely empty. And of course with 2010 upon us, the glut of catastrophic doom-and-gloom prophecies regarding the year 2012, star of the blockbuster apocalyptic world-ending extravaganza of the same name, will begin to fall fast and heavy, though with less horrific appeal than acid rain, and far less amusement than frogs. When I hear about some of these things, I confess that a line from the song 'Dogma' by KMFDM pops into my head, "We all just want to die a little bit." While that may seem extreme, let's face it, if we're not currently embroiled in a conflict, we're making movies about being embroiled in conflicts. If said conflicts are of the standard man against bomb against man carrying bombs against robots with bombs against god against god with bombs against life against man kind of deal, well we then make movies about being embroiled in conflicts with aliens, murderous plants, zombies, redneck mutants, giant insects, irrational robots, aborted-then-reconstituted fetal tissue, rats and other vermin, people with an array of sports-themed masks, guys with Grim Reaper fetishes, hookers with cybernetic body parts, maleficent energy masses, conscious and bloodthirsty bodies of water, junkies, gamers, ravers, non-organic food products, religious organizations, elderly people with grudges and much, much more. I went to see the movie Paranormal Activity and what did I get as a bonus? A glut of trailers which were all for movies which pretty much spelled out "YOU ARE FUCKED." From post-apocalyptic fare like The Road, to alien abduction fodder like The Fourth Kind, (Close Encounters ripoff anyone?) to "We'sa all gonna die!" tripe like The Crazies (George Romero, can't you stop these people?) It seems that the more we're watching ourselves die in ever-complex and fantastical ways, the happier we are. If it isn't a probable scenario like bio-warfare or the wrath of global warming, it's a fantastical scenario like alien invasion or the wrath of god. (Yes, that was intentional.) I am including a trailer for a movie I happened to stumble upon...and I have to say -what seems initially like some new-fangled tween or teen movie like Harry Potter or Twilight, is actually a seriously creepy trailer in a lot of ways -take note of the creepy, midgety little scythe-wielding and masked bastard...talk about trauma-inducing!

http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/fadingofthecries/

So, in light of the coming darkness, I've taken a few moments to reflect on some of the more amusing aspects of this past year, culled as always (and perhaps alarmingly) from my personal life and experiences...


1. Things my mother says

My mother is a never-ending source of joy for me. Though we went through a really rough patch in our relationship, we weathered it and came out with a much better appreciation and understanding of each other -and a shared love for comic book and science fiction movies. My mother is known for saying bizarrely random or ridiculous things, immediately followed by laughter as she realizes what she's just uttered -here are a few examples:

"So did I tell you that someone left a monkey in the dishwasher and it died?"

"What are your thoughts on the original Nutty Professor movie with Jerry Lewis?"

Me: "I have some news that will make you happy -they just finished filming the Wolverine movie."
Mom: "Oooh really -what's it going to be called?!"
Me: "I don't know Mom -here's a hunch though, maybe...Wolverine?"

You see what I'm talking about. She is also known for sending me emails regarding parts of movies that she remembers and she's trying to figure out what they might be -here is an example of that:

Hi Therese,
Thanks for sending-my computer-dial up is soo sloow that I will have to open it at work!
Can you help me?
I am trying to remember the scene in the Harry Potter movie where Harry is in the house that I think was his parents and the wallpaper has faces in it and they talk and come to life-I think-do you remember that scene and what the wallpaper was saying?
Also, going back a little farther, do you remember the first or second (or 3rd) Harry Potter where the tree outside the school tries to capture Harry or maybe it is Hermoine?
And, another strange request-do you remember the movie-I think it is the Matrix but I am not sure, where, I think it is Neo wearing black is in a very modern apt and gets out of an elevator and the scene is a very modern-posh lobby?
Thanks so much!
Hope all is well!
Love,
Mommyxxx


For the record, I sent her a bunch of clips that were Matrix-related but she said none of them were right -apparently my sister eventually helped her figure it out so at least that part of her query was answered.

And, despite the fact that my mother isn't a big fan of extreme violence or gore or sex, (she was a little upset that District 9 wasn't what she expected,) after telling her about the movie Repo Men coming out, and saying it was something she probably wouldn't see, she asked me in a kind of quiet voice, "What's the name of it? I think I'll go see it." Yeah -my mom is going to go see Repo Men. Kick ass.

I am definitely looking forward to another year with my mom and hopefully to getting to see her more than I've been able to in the past -if anything, it always makes for a good story!


2. The year of the first date

I went on on more first dates (and subsequently, last dates) this year than I think I've ever been on. The result...nothing that could be called a 'relationship' but a good many anecdotes regarding the process. A few of the more notable ones are...

You know you're going to have an awesome evening when the sentence, "So my band has this song called 'Raging in Excrement' " comes out of your date's mouth.

Pre-empting the drowning of the sorrows...date shows up, hands me two bottles of wine, goes to put parking permit in his car, doesn't come back.

The inconsistency of such things as, "You're everything a man could want in a woman -beautiful, smart, sexy, funny, charming -just everything a man could ever ask for. And if you lost 20 lbs, you'd be everything I could ever want too."

And of course, the always appealing first-date line, meant to let you know that your date has more than just a friendly interest in you..."So, I say you take me back to my place and I can ram the shit out of your pussy. How's that sound?"

God only knows what awaits me next year -but if it's anything like 2009, I'll probably start hoping that the Mayan calendar prediction of doom might be off by a couple of years. Sometimes, I truly do feel that a natural disaster epic catastrophe would be preferable to continuing to slog through the plague-riddled, poxy whore of a minefield known as "dating."

3. Edumacation

So I graduated this month -I have an official degree and enough combined coursework to equal three degrees and two minors. I am pretty proud of this accomplishment and I'll be heading into a MA program in summer. But it does give one pause, when meeting with advisors, and after looking over all of your classes taken and credits earned, the best they can come up with is, "Well, it's a pity that all of your coursework seems to be in non-essential fields." Really? Really?! I'm willing to let Criminology pass (despite the consistency and inevitability of crime,) and Film (since I'm a film scholar and not a filmmaker) but since when is English is a non-essential field? ENGLISH? Non-essential?!?! In America? Land of the "speak our way or forever hold your peace?" English -the language we assume will magically be spoken to us no matter where we might venture in the world because after all, as any American can tell you, it's the only civilized language out there! I'd say English is definitely essential -at least for a few more years until all of our street signs and maps and textbooks and great works of literature can be rewritten in text-speak. I'm essential for a little bit longer, dammit!

I think the final blow to my literary soul was from my father, who has always been an avid reader and has always encouraged my habit -he informed me that he got a Kindle...a KINDLE. AN ELECTRONIC BOOK. A DIGI-BOOK. Fuck you, environmental conservationists -I want paper -I want rustling and the smell of glue and the acrid tang of ink and the ability to write notes in margins or stick notes in-between certain papers...I don't want to have to scroll down to hit an arrow key when I want to turn a page -I'm still traumatized by the death of my Speak 'n' Spell!! Unless you're doing a lot of traveling and don't want to pay for a tonnage of books, a Kindle is not necessary. Paper should not be relegated to just something we wipe our asses with. Cherish your books people -and every chance you get -steal from libraries.

So there you have it -just a little bit of a recap of things that happened this year. I have thought about making resolutions for the coming year but really, I dislike the pressure and the faux accountability and pseudo-good intentions that come with it -I might as well just say that I am resolved to make it through the year, with minimal property damage, no unwanted pregnancies, no shotgun weddings and no cannibalization of babies. Unless it's warranted.

I wish you all the best, and please - be safe if you are engaging in year-end celebrations, including parties, bar-hopping, concerts, coitus with unfamiliar people, coitus with familiar people, family gatherings, over-priced food offerings and all of those other things which seem like really awesome ideas when you're liquored up and the countdown has begun, but which, upon waking up in the new year, just seem like a really horrible way to kick things off. Think twice...think once more for good measure -and then, make sure you've got enough money to post bail.

As for me...I'm spending a quiet night in with the kitties, movies, coffee and popcorn...while I wait eagerly for January 22nd, when Legion comes out and I can watch the world get god-fucked by a horde of angels who are after a pregnant chick guarded by Paul Bettany, Dennis Quaid, some underwear model guy and a hell of a lot of illicitly-procured firearms. Nothing says "Welcome to a New Year!" like the age-old struggle of good versus evil at a roadside diner in the middle of a desert with a demented ice cream man and an artery-chomping grandmother!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!