by Brian Hughes
The day Walter Klinger met YouTube, his life changed forever. Geoffrey Salamander, System’s Analyst and co-worker of Walter’s at L.P. Richardi Communication’s Company, brought up the topic of classic television one fine afternoon as they waited on line for sushi in the company food court.
“I’m telling you, ya can’t buy Same Time Next Year on DVD yet – it’s unavailable. Yet some genius in Finland posted his video taped version of it on this site. And what’s great is that he posted the original pilot – not the one that officially aired. I’m telling ya, I was psyched!”
“So this site runs the gamut, huh?”
“Yeah – they have video of just about anything on there: the latest news headlines, music videos, old Ed Sullivan programs – the works.”
Walter and Geoffrey walked the sushi over to their regular table – by the water fountain, where all the pretty girls sat and showed off their legs. Walter liked Geoffrey fine enough, but he always wore short sleeve plaid shirts with tan khakis and spitted when he talked.
“So what you’re saying is they would have The Love Boat on there and Magnum, P.I. and Soap and everything?”
“Yeah, sure – but I think Magnum, P.I. and Soap are on DVD already.”
“I don’t buy DVDs – I buy memorabilia – memories.”
“The Love Boat isn’t out on DVD; at least I don’t think so.”
“You know what one of my favorite TV shows was?”
“What?”
“I’m almost ashamed to say it…”
“Go ahead…”
“The Facts of Life.”
“That’s so gay!”
“Come on … don’t judge. Are you telling me that Blair
in her uniform didn’t do anything for you?”
“No, I watched Charlie’s Angels, or Victoria Principal on Dallas, or Suzanne Sommers on Three’s Company to get off.”
“Whatever – this sushi sucks!”
“Check out the site, let me know what you think, I know how much you’re stuck in the past all the time – you should love it.”
Walter didn’t need anything else in his life to distract him, with the bowling team, taking care of mom, the auto show coming to town the following week, and he still had to catalog the rest of his sports memorabilia; the last thing he needed was something else – another passion to overtake him and render the rest of his free time useless. Oh, well, he’d have to see for himself what this site was all about. He tried to put it out of his mind for the rest of the day, but the thought that they just might have episodes of Fridays on the site, with cast member Melanie Chartoff, was enough to make his heart jump eight stories. Boy! What a crush I had on her – and how damn funny she was, Walter thought, as he laughed to himself, remembering how he told all his friends that he would marry her someday. What a mope.
Jimbo, the doorman, always asked Walter how his day was when he promptly entered his building at five after six, and was usually told the same thing day after day:
“Fine. Nothing special.”
“Have a good evening, Sir.”
“You as well, Jimbo.”
And so … the evening would begin as most nights: Walter would throw into the oven his customary Thursday evening meal – a Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese, making sure to cook it until it was nice and crispy. Sometimes Walter would leave it in there smoldering for an hour or more – making sure it was just right. Walter thought it was a sin to cook a Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese in a microwave. It had to be cooked to crispiness, or else what was the point in having it? He got himself all comfortable in his Notre Dame sweats, and instead of beginning his evening with the usual amateur porn wack-off session, he’d place himself in front of the computer to see what all this YouTube was about.
Into the search engine he typed “Fridays TV show.” And sure enough the little video images popped up and Walter became intrigued. Wow! This is amazing! He thought. Fridays was an SNL-like sketch comedy rip off that aired on ABC for two seasons. The first sketch he watched was Michael Richards, of Seinfeld fame, portraying his “Dick” character. “Dick” was a character who thought he was a supreme ladies man, with shirt open and chest hair exposed; yet time and again he’d fumble and embarrass himself at every turn. The character was actually an early incarnation of “Kramer”. It was a character that made Walter, his older brother and their Mom, roll all over their shag rug blue carpet in stitches.
Next ol’ Walt clicked on “The Family Fight Sketch” and the “George Bargate” sketch, and finally the “marijuana/ dinner” sketch where Andy Kaufman and Michael Richards got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t a real fight, but at the time everyone thought it was. Classic television! And the night was just beginning.
The Mac and Cheese was done to an ultimate crisp as Walter lovingly scraped the hardened cheese from the sides of the black, plastic container, all the while typing in those television keywords into the YouTube search engine.
Next up: The Love Boat. What he found were several “show intro’s” displaying all the co-stars on that particular broadcast. What a trip down memory lane! As soon as The Love Boat theme kicked in, tears began welling in Walter’s eyes. It was as if a gust of happy wind blew into his face. Once familiar faces he hadn’t seen in years and had totally forgotten about: Skip Stephenson from Real People, Jenilee Harrison, Gordon Jump, Katherine Helmond, Morgan Brittany (who he had a crush on back in the day), Dick Shawn, and how bout their final season theme song, awfully reprised by Dionne Warwick! Walter had never thought of it, but perhaps by pairing up John Ritter, Sherman Hemsley and Jacklyn Smith on The Love Boat, it was the network’s way of seeing how their big television stars acted together.
After watching episodes of Hart to Hart, Hotel and BJ and the Bear, Walter took a beer break.
Damn! I forgot – I have to pay my bills tonight, he thought. Walt’s home was a sociological study in memorabilia and packratting. One whole wall had a Daily News version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa – with newspapers stacked to the ceiling. Dozens of framed and signed pictures of athletes encased in bubble wrap were stacked on the floor or against the walls, waiting to be shipped out to buyers. His most prized collection were the classic Wheaties cereal boxes that he had bought for a total of six thousand dollars. Above the couch, fastened to the wall, was a framed picture someone had made of Walter running with a football on his own Wheaties box. He just loved that thing. Everything was pretty much sports themed, with New York Giants ashtrays, a Giants gumball machine, Yankees bathroom towels – even his clothes hangers were red and blue – the colors of the Giants. Two stacks of videotapes, on either side of his flat screen television, acted as makeshift coffee tables. Photos of his deceased Mom, Dorothy, were placed sporadically around the house – even in his bathroom.
Having dropped the bills off in the mail chute in his lobby, he plopped himself in front of the computer screen and masturbated to an amateur video before delving into The Facts of Life portion of the night’s proceedings. A genius from Cleveland had cut together all nine season intros of the show together, so he could watch the girls grow up in about seven minutes and forty-six seconds. How he had forgotten how the producers ditched the characters of “Nancy”, “Sue-Ann”, “Cindy” and “Molly” – “Molly” of course being the soon to be superstar Molly Ringwald; And how the backdrop of the series changed from the “Eastland School” to “Edna’s Edibles” to the “Over Our Head” store with Cloris Leachman. Such memories of watching the shows with his Nana and Mom were coursing through his veins – producing tears again. If Walter hadn’t been the king of nostalgia yet, with his mementoes, memorabilia and his saving every important headline of The Daily News for the past 23 years, then YouTube was sure to push him way over the brink.
Walter would in fact “jump the shark.”
After a marathon run of Magnum, P.I. – Walter found himself asleep at the computer when a police siren awoke him at 3:30 in the morning. Holy Shit, he shouted, as he tore off his clothes and stammered into bed.
“Well, what do you think of YouTube?” asked Geoffrey, as he and Walter prepped their espresso heavy coffee.
“It’s a revelation! I’m compiling a list of things I want to look at tonight. Everything from old New Year’s Eve programs, to David Suskind and Joe Franklin shows to a bunch of rare concert stuff from MTV’s heyday.”
“I knew you’d love it.”
“I fell asleep at the damn computer last night.”
Walter and Geoffrey had a good hearty laugh at that one.
“Are you going to Jason’s Sopranos party on Sunday?”
“Nah,”
“It’s the last season – it’s getting exciting.”
“Yeah … I know … it’s historic and stuff, but I haven’t watched it at all.”
“Come up to the times Walt!”
“I think you created a monster.”
“Hah!”
“I was thinking about throwing a Magnum, P.I. party myself.”
Geoffrey almost choked on his coffee.
“Dude that would be hysterical. It could even be a theme party! You could have a luau, and buy leis and coconuts and everything!”
“That’s a good idea … I mean, I really like the show Magnum, P.I. I think it was a well crafted and smartly written show.”
“Yeah, whatever … be a fun night.”
Walter went to town and rented all the seasons of Magnum, P.I. available on DVD from the local library. Having watched most of them in their original airing, the plot lines and nuances started to come back to him. He remembered why he loved the show. Thomas Magnum was a former Naval Intelligence officer who served three tours of duty in Vietnam. It was the first television show of its kind to deal with characters who were veterans of the Vietnam War.
In fact, many of the best episodes, Walt was finding out, had to deal with incidents that triggered Magnum’s memories of the war. There was also that cool rapport he had with T.C., the owner of a helicopter charter company, and Rick, nightclub owner and Magnum’s link to the criminal underworld. Thomas Magnum was just plain cool to Walt – that’s all, and he took the next several weeks to watch every episode, either on DVD or on the Sleuth channel.
But what episode or episodes would Walter choose for his party? Magnum, P.I. had plenty of two-parters, and several cliffhangers. It was a big choice, and one he didn’t want to take lightly. So, he decided to cast a vote and e-mailed all the Magnum, P.I. aficionados to see what their opinion of the best episode was. Out of twenty one responses, fourteen fans choose episode number 157 – “Unfinished Business” - in which Magnum seeks revenge on his nemesis Quang Ki – a man who nearly killed Magnum and his family. Walter was excited that he hadn’t chosen the episode, for there were so many fine ones to choose from. He just knew that if he had chosen it, he would feel guilty if it didn’t go over well with the guests. This way, if it bombed, he could blame the nutty fans.
“Whatcha doing?” asked Geoffrey, as he sprung on Walter’s cubicle, making him jump. Walter hated when Geoffrey did that.
“I’m sending out invitations to the Magnum, P.I. party.”
“You’re literally sending out invitations?”
“Yeah – isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you have a party – send an invitation.”
“Well, yeah … but you could just create an E-Invite page and you’d be able to send an e-mail out to everybody all at once.”
“I knew that … I knew that …”
“Oh, okay…”
“I wanted to stick to the retro theme of the event: see the invitations? They have a coconut tree on them.”
“Nice. Did you remind them to dress up Hawaiian and all that?”
“Yes I did.”
“I hope you don’t mind, but I told Lucy about the party. I think she’s a hot little number, not really my type, but yours, and I found out that she’s a classic TV nut.”
“Okay.”
“Who knows … maybe you and Lucy can get together and create some coconut milk.”
“Very funny.”
Walt’s YouTube obsession continued through his Magnum phase, staying up most nights till 2:30 am. His trip down television memory lane provoked Walter to buy a CD called The All-Time Top 100 Television Themes. He snatched it off of Amazon.com and played it continuously on his CD Walkman to and from work on the Metro North train. The Fantasy Island and Dynasty themes made him cry, as did Jack Jones’ The Love Boat theme. He couldn’t help but think of his Nana, who had always had a school girl crush on John Forsythe.
Walter was careful not to be seen weeping over all this sappy television music he was listening to. What made him so sad? He tried to figure it out. Why was all of this nostalgia a source of sadness to him, instead of joy? Why did he like to be sad? Why was it necessary for him to live in the past all the time? He loved his Mom and Nana, that was true, but he knew it was not normal for a man in his late thirties to be obsessing over Magnum, P.I., YouTube, and television themes. Even if he were trying to get closer to his deceased family, why did he have that need to? It was all so terribly confusing, and a heck of a horrible way to start a work day.
“Walter, you’ve outdone yourself man …” said Geoffrey, as he entered Walt’s pad with a hot Mexican girl around his arm.
Walt had his entire apartment cleaned and decorated, having dumped all his memorabilia and filth in his bedroom. On the front door, as guests entered, Walter had placed a poster length picture of Tom Selleck as Magnum, and a velvet “Aloha” door sign. Inflatable palm trees decorated each side of the front door when you entered and beer was at the ready as soon as you stepped into the foyer – sitting delightfully cold in a tiki tub cooler. Tissue decorations of tropical fish, parrots, sunbursts and seashells were dotted in between color photocopied pictures of the cast of Magnum, P.I. Coconut cups, luau plastic plates, colorful leis and snacks sat on a tiki fringed table skirt. He was even cool enough to have some Poi, Lomilomi Salmon and both pork and beef laulaus catered to everyone’s delight.
But there was one thing Walter didn’t count on as he greeted his co-workers and guests with leis: that they had no real intention of watching the brilliance that was Magnum, P.I. They were there for the food, beer and to make fun of the show. Two guests did, however, dress up at both Thomas Magnum, with moustache, Detroit Tigers cap and Hawaiian shirt, and John Hillerman, not so much as his character “Jonathan Quayle Higgins III”, but as the white suited Hillerman from the macadamia nuts adds.
It all seemed to go in Walt’s favor, as he turned off the Don Ho music and politely asked for silence as he delved into a minor speech about the episode and the implications involved. There were giggles throughout, and mostly everyone couldn’t wait for Walter to sit back down so that they could continue to talk and flirt with one another.
Walter killed the lights and began playing the episode on his DVD player. When the charismatic Mike Post theme kicked in, the guests hooted and hollered and clapped. Walter liked that. He knew that as soon as they saw the intro, they would be hooked. But it was not to be. About twenty minutes in, Walter shot a snide look at one of his coworkers - Josh Weiner - who was acting up and making fart sounds. Further into the episode, at a key pivotal moment, when Thomas Magnum receives a video tape containing the awful fate of his ex-wife and daughter, John made a loud and obvious yawn. Walter stood up and pointed to Josh – damning him to hell:
“You! Stop acting like such an ass! Can’t you see there are some people here who are watching this episode and enjoying it?”
“Shut you mouth Walt, or I will shut it for you.”
Walter grabbed a glass hula doll and smashed it against his living room wall. “Do you think I’m kidding Josh? Huh! I have a lot of pent up anger! Don’t fuck with me or my Magnum, or so help me God, I will slice you from ear to ear with a broken beer bottle.”
Everyone is the crowd grew silent, as Lucy paused the episode.
“Who needs this shit? I’m getting out of here.” Josh said as he gave the party guests the finger and sauntered out of the apartment.
A few people congratulated Walter for taking a stand as Lucy resumed play. But Walter was now very uncomfortable. He had never made such an outburst in public and it scared him a bit. What was the point of getting so angry at a silly television show? Lucy rubbed him on the back and whispered in his ear: “I think you are brave. Maybe we can go to Carlo’s Sopranos party this Sunday. It’s the season finale.”
Walter looked at Lucy and smiled, then turned to the television screen to Thomas Magnum, who was looking right at Walter:
“Why don’t you go to The Sopranos party? I hear it’s a good show. I’d love to watch it, but I’m trapped in 80’s Hawaii. I think Lucy likes you,” Thomas Magnum said with a wink.
Walter nodded toward the screen.
“You’re a good man. Don’t be trapped by the past – let it go. It will always be here. The present, however, is passing you by. Magnum, P.I. and all of this Nostalgia makes for good memories now and then, but you can’t cling to it Walt. You have to move on – trust me.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”
“Go to the party – follow a show in your own era, and come up to date – you’ll feel better.”
“Okay Magnum.”
Walter smiled just then and turned to blonde haired Lucy. “You’re going to have to fill me in on the last five seasons of The Sopranos.”
“That’s no problem, why don’t you come over to my apartment one night and we’ll catch up.”
“That sounds nice. I’d like that.”
And on that night, Walter Klinger began the slow and arduous journey back toward the present.
The day Walter Klinger met YouTube, his life changed forever. Geoffrey Salamander, System’s Analyst and co-worker of Walter’s at L.P. Richardi Communication’s Company, brought up the topic of classic television one fine afternoon as they waited on line for sushi in the company food court.
“I’m telling you, ya can’t buy Same Time Next Year on DVD yet – it’s unavailable. Yet some genius in Finland posted his video taped version of it on this site. And what’s great is that he posted the original pilot – not the one that officially aired. I’m telling ya, I was psyched!”
“So this site runs the gamut, huh?”
“Yeah – they have video of just about anything on there: the latest news headlines, music videos, old Ed Sullivan programs – the works.”
Walter and Geoffrey walked the sushi over to their regular table – by the water fountain, where all the pretty girls sat and showed off their legs. Walter liked Geoffrey fine enough, but he always wore short sleeve plaid shirts with tan khakis and spitted when he talked.
“So what you’re saying is they would have The Love Boat on there and Magnum, P.I. and Soap and everything?”
“Yeah, sure – but I think Magnum, P.I. and Soap are on DVD already.”
“I don’t buy DVDs – I buy memorabilia – memories.”
“The Love Boat isn’t out on DVD; at least I don’t think so.”
“You know what one of my favorite TV shows was?”
“What?”
“I’m almost ashamed to say it…”
“Go ahead…”
“The Facts of Life.”
“That’s so gay!”
“Come on … don’t judge. Are you telling me that Blair
in her uniform didn’t do anything for you?”
“No, I watched Charlie’s Angels, or Victoria Principal on Dallas, or Suzanne Sommers on Three’s Company to get off.”
“Whatever – this sushi sucks!”
“Check out the site, let me know what you think, I know how much you’re stuck in the past all the time – you should love it.”
Walter didn’t need anything else in his life to distract him, with the bowling team, taking care of mom, the auto show coming to town the following week, and he still had to catalog the rest of his sports memorabilia; the last thing he needed was something else – another passion to overtake him and render the rest of his free time useless. Oh, well, he’d have to see for himself what this site was all about. He tried to put it out of his mind for the rest of the day, but the thought that they just might have episodes of Fridays on the site, with cast member Melanie Chartoff, was enough to make his heart jump eight stories. Boy! What a crush I had on her – and how damn funny she was, Walter thought, as he laughed to himself, remembering how he told all his friends that he would marry her someday. What a mope.
Jimbo, the doorman, always asked Walter how his day was when he promptly entered his building at five after six, and was usually told the same thing day after day:
“Fine. Nothing special.”
“Have a good evening, Sir.”
“You as well, Jimbo.”
And so … the evening would begin as most nights: Walter would throw into the oven his customary Thursday evening meal – a Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese, making sure to cook it until it was nice and crispy. Sometimes Walter would leave it in there smoldering for an hour or more – making sure it was just right. Walter thought it was a sin to cook a Stouffer’s Mac and Cheese in a microwave. It had to be cooked to crispiness, or else what was the point in having it? He got himself all comfortable in his Notre Dame sweats, and instead of beginning his evening with the usual amateur porn wack-off session, he’d place himself in front of the computer to see what all this YouTube was about.
Into the search engine he typed “Fridays TV show.” And sure enough the little video images popped up and Walter became intrigued. Wow! This is amazing! He thought. Fridays was an SNL-like sketch comedy rip off that aired on ABC for two seasons. The first sketch he watched was Michael Richards, of Seinfeld fame, portraying his “Dick” character. “Dick” was a character who thought he was a supreme ladies man, with shirt open and chest hair exposed; yet time and again he’d fumble and embarrass himself at every turn. The character was actually an early incarnation of “Kramer”. It was a character that made Walter, his older brother and their Mom, roll all over their shag rug blue carpet in stitches.
Next ol’ Walt clicked on “The Family Fight Sketch” and the “George Bargate” sketch, and finally the “marijuana/ dinner” sketch where Andy Kaufman and Michael Richards got into a fight. Well, it wasn’t a real fight, but at the time everyone thought it was. Classic television! And the night was just beginning.
The Mac and Cheese was done to an ultimate crisp as Walter lovingly scraped the hardened cheese from the sides of the black, plastic container, all the while typing in those television keywords into the YouTube search engine.
Next up: The Love Boat. What he found were several “show intro’s” displaying all the co-stars on that particular broadcast. What a trip down memory lane! As soon as The Love Boat theme kicked in, tears began welling in Walter’s eyes. It was as if a gust of happy wind blew into his face. Once familiar faces he hadn’t seen in years and had totally forgotten about: Skip Stephenson from Real People, Jenilee Harrison, Gordon Jump, Katherine Helmond, Morgan Brittany (who he had a crush on back in the day), Dick Shawn, and how bout their final season theme song, awfully reprised by Dionne Warwick! Walter had never thought of it, but perhaps by pairing up John Ritter, Sherman Hemsley and Jacklyn Smith on The Love Boat, it was the network’s way of seeing how their big television stars acted together.
After watching episodes of Hart to Hart, Hotel and BJ and the Bear, Walter took a beer break.
Damn! I forgot – I have to pay my bills tonight, he thought. Walt’s home was a sociological study in memorabilia and packratting. One whole wall had a Daily News version of the Leaning Tower of Pisa – with newspapers stacked to the ceiling. Dozens of framed and signed pictures of athletes encased in bubble wrap were stacked on the floor or against the walls, waiting to be shipped out to buyers. His most prized collection were the classic Wheaties cereal boxes that he had bought for a total of six thousand dollars. Above the couch, fastened to the wall, was a framed picture someone had made of Walter running with a football on his own Wheaties box. He just loved that thing. Everything was pretty much sports themed, with New York Giants ashtrays, a Giants gumball machine, Yankees bathroom towels – even his clothes hangers were red and blue – the colors of the Giants. Two stacks of videotapes, on either side of his flat screen television, acted as makeshift coffee tables. Photos of his deceased Mom, Dorothy, were placed sporadically around the house – even in his bathroom.
Having dropped the bills off in the mail chute in his lobby, he plopped himself in front of the computer screen and masturbated to an amateur video before delving into The Facts of Life portion of the night’s proceedings. A genius from Cleveland had cut together all nine season intros of the show together, so he could watch the girls grow up in about seven minutes and forty-six seconds. How he had forgotten how the producers ditched the characters of “Nancy”, “Sue-Ann”, “Cindy” and “Molly” – “Molly” of course being the soon to be superstar Molly Ringwald; And how the backdrop of the series changed from the “Eastland School” to “Edna’s Edibles” to the “Over Our Head” store with Cloris Leachman. Such memories of watching the shows with his Nana and Mom were coursing through his veins – producing tears again. If Walter hadn’t been the king of nostalgia yet, with his mementoes, memorabilia and his saving every important headline of The Daily News for the past 23 years, then YouTube was sure to push him way over the brink.
Walter would in fact “jump the shark.”
After a marathon run of Magnum, P.I. – Walter found himself asleep at the computer when a police siren awoke him at 3:30 in the morning. Holy Shit, he shouted, as he tore off his clothes and stammered into bed.
“Well, what do you think of YouTube?” asked Geoffrey, as he and Walter prepped their espresso heavy coffee.
“It’s a revelation! I’m compiling a list of things I want to look at tonight. Everything from old New Year’s Eve programs, to David Suskind and Joe Franklin shows to a bunch of rare concert stuff from MTV’s heyday.”
“I knew you’d love it.”
“I fell asleep at the damn computer last night.”
Walter and Geoffrey had a good hearty laugh at that one.
“Are you going to Jason’s Sopranos party on Sunday?”
“Nah,”
“It’s the last season – it’s getting exciting.”
“Yeah … I know … it’s historic and stuff, but I haven’t watched it at all.”
“Come up to the times Walt!”
“I think you created a monster.”
“Hah!”
“I was thinking about throwing a Magnum, P.I. party myself.”
Geoffrey almost choked on his coffee.
“Dude that would be hysterical. It could even be a theme party! You could have a luau, and buy leis and coconuts and everything!”
“That’s a good idea … I mean, I really like the show Magnum, P.I. I think it was a well crafted and smartly written show.”
“Yeah, whatever … be a fun night.”
Walter went to town and rented all the seasons of Magnum, P.I. available on DVD from the local library. Having watched most of them in their original airing, the plot lines and nuances started to come back to him. He remembered why he loved the show. Thomas Magnum was a former Naval Intelligence officer who served three tours of duty in Vietnam. It was the first television show of its kind to deal with characters who were veterans of the Vietnam War.
In fact, many of the best episodes, Walt was finding out, had to deal with incidents that triggered Magnum’s memories of the war. There was also that cool rapport he had with T.C., the owner of a helicopter charter company, and Rick, nightclub owner and Magnum’s link to the criminal underworld. Thomas Magnum was just plain cool to Walt – that’s all, and he took the next several weeks to watch every episode, either on DVD or on the Sleuth channel.
But what episode or episodes would Walter choose for his party? Magnum, P.I. had plenty of two-parters, and several cliffhangers. It was a big choice, and one he didn’t want to take lightly. So, he decided to cast a vote and e-mailed all the Magnum, P.I. aficionados to see what their opinion of the best episode was. Out of twenty one responses, fourteen fans choose episode number 157 – “Unfinished Business” - in which Magnum seeks revenge on his nemesis Quang Ki – a man who nearly killed Magnum and his family. Walter was excited that he hadn’t chosen the episode, for there were so many fine ones to choose from. He just knew that if he had chosen it, he would feel guilty if it didn’t go over well with the guests. This way, if it bombed, he could blame the nutty fans.
“Whatcha doing?” asked Geoffrey, as he sprung on Walter’s cubicle, making him jump. Walter hated when Geoffrey did that.
“I’m sending out invitations to the Magnum, P.I. party.”
“You’re literally sending out invitations?”
“Yeah – isn’t that what you are supposed to do when you have a party – send an invitation.”
“Well, yeah … but you could just create an E-Invite page and you’d be able to send an e-mail out to everybody all at once.”
“I knew that … I knew that …”
“Oh, okay…”
“I wanted to stick to the retro theme of the event: see the invitations? They have a coconut tree on them.”
“Nice. Did you remind them to dress up Hawaiian and all that?”
“Yes I did.”
“I hope you don’t mind, but I told Lucy about the party. I think she’s a hot little number, not really my type, but yours, and I found out that she’s a classic TV nut.”
“Okay.”
“Who knows … maybe you and Lucy can get together and create some coconut milk.”
“Very funny.”
Walt’s YouTube obsession continued through his Magnum phase, staying up most nights till 2:30 am. His trip down television memory lane provoked Walter to buy a CD called The All-Time Top 100 Television Themes. He snatched it off of Amazon.com and played it continuously on his CD Walkman to and from work on the Metro North train. The Fantasy Island and Dynasty themes made him cry, as did Jack Jones’ The Love Boat theme. He couldn’t help but think of his Nana, who had always had a school girl crush on John Forsythe.
Walter was careful not to be seen weeping over all this sappy television music he was listening to. What made him so sad? He tried to figure it out. Why was all of this nostalgia a source of sadness to him, instead of joy? Why did he like to be sad? Why was it necessary for him to live in the past all the time? He loved his Mom and Nana, that was true, but he knew it was not normal for a man in his late thirties to be obsessing over Magnum, P.I., YouTube, and television themes. Even if he were trying to get closer to his deceased family, why did he have that need to? It was all so terribly confusing, and a heck of a horrible way to start a work day.
“Walter, you’ve outdone yourself man …” said Geoffrey, as he entered Walt’s pad with a hot Mexican girl around his arm.
Walt had his entire apartment cleaned and decorated, having dumped all his memorabilia and filth in his bedroom. On the front door, as guests entered, Walter had placed a poster length picture of Tom Selleck as Magnum, and a velvet “Aloha” door sign. Inflatable palm trees decorated each side of the front door when you entered and beer was at the ready as soon as you stepped into the foyer – sitting delightfully cold in a tiki tub cooler. Tissue decorations of tropical fish, parrots, sunbursts and seashells were dotted in between color photocopied pictures of the cast of Magnum, P.I. Coconut cups, luau plastic plates, colorful leis and snacks sat on a tiki fringed table skirt. He was even cool enough to have some Poi, Lomilomi Salmon and both pork and beef laulaus catered to everyone’s delight.
But there was one thing Walter didn’t count on as he greeted his co-workers and guests with leis: that they had no real intention of watching the brilliance that was Magnum, P.I. They were there for the food, beer and to make fun of the show. Two guests did, however, dress up at both Thomas Magnum, with moustache, Detroit Tigers cap and Hawaiian shirt, and John Hillerman, not so much as his character “Jonathan Quayle Higgins III”, but as the white suited Hillerman from the macadamia nuts adds.
It all seemed to go in Walt’s favor, as he turned off the Don Ho music and politely asked for silence as he delved into a minor speech about the episode and the implications involved. There were giggles throughout, and mostly everyone couldn’t wait for Walter to sit back down so that they could continue to talk and flirt with one another.
Walter killed the lights and began playing the episode on his DVD player. When the charismatic Mike Post theme kicked in, the guests hooted and hollered and clapped. Walter liked that. He knew that as soon as they saw the intro, they would be hooked. But it was not to be. About twenty minutes in, Walter shot a snide look at one of his coworkers - Josh Weiner - who was acting up and making fart sounds. Further into the episode, at a key pivotal moment, when Thomas Magnum receives a video tape containing the awful fate of his ex-wife and daughter, John made a loud and obvious yawn. Walter stood up and pointed to Josh – damning him to hell:
“You! Stop acting like such an ass! Can’t you see there are some people here who are watching this episode and enjoying it?”
“Shut you mouth Walt, or I will shut it for you.”
Walter grabbed a glass hula doll and smashed it against his living room wall. “Do you think I’m kidding Josh? Huh! I have a lot of pent up anger! Don’t fuck with me or my Magnum, or so help me God, I will slice you from ear to ear with a broken beer bottle.”
Everyone is the crowd grew silent, as Lucy paused the episode.
“Who needs this shit? I’m getting out of here.” Josh said as he gave the party guests the finger and sauntered out of the apartment.
A few people congratulated Walter for taking a stand as Lucy resumed play. But Walter was now very uncomfortable. He had never made such an outburst in public and it scared him a bit. What was the point of getting so angry at a silly television show? Lucy rubbed him on the back and whispered in his ear: “I think you are brave. Maybe we can go to Carlo’s Sopranos party this Sunday. It’s the season finale.”
Walter looked at Lucy and smiled, then turned to the television screen to Thomas Magnum, who was looking right at Walter:
“Why don’t you go to The Sopranos party? I hear it’s a good show. I’d love to watch it, but I’m trapped in 80’s Hawaii. I think Lucy likes you,” Thomas Magnum said with a wink.
Walter nodded toward the screen.
“You’re a good man. Don’t be trapped by the past – let it go. It will always be here. The present, however, is passing you by. Magnum, P.I. and all of this Nostalgia makes for good memories now and then, but you can’t cling to it Walt. You have to move on – trust me.”
“Yeah, I see what you mean.”
“Go to the party – follow a show in your own era, and come up to date – you’ll feel better.”
“Okay Magnum.”
Walter smiled just then and turned to blonde haired Lucy. “You’re going to have to fill me in on the last five seasons of The Sopranos.”
“That’s no problem, why don’t you come over to my apartment one night and we’ll catch up.”
“That sounds nice. I’d like that.”
And on that night, Walter Klinger began the slow and arduous journey back toward the present.
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1 comment:
You write very well.
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