just asKing

Melissa King is a Certified Holistic Health Counselor in New York City. As depicted in the myriad testimonials on her website (MyHeartDances), Ms. King has helped many people transform their body image and strengthen their mind by learning to eat well and breaking life blocks through her private & group counseling sessions and cooking, nutrition, & after school classes. Now, exclusively here at The Boutros Boutros Follies, she will dispense answers to your questions through her advise column just asKing. If it concerns life on Earth, Melissa is here to help. (Especially if it's a heath, nutrition, body image, lifestyle or spiritual fulfillment issue)

By way of introduction, and because I myself am having frustrations in the area, I asked Melissa to write a piece on the subject "Friendship in the Digital Age". Next time: Melissa will answer one or more of your questions.

-Peter Rinaldi

Need advise? Ask Melissa King - melissa@myheartdances.com

Thoughts on Friendship in the Digital Age

When Peter asked me to write about friendship in the digital age, I immediately thought of Facebook, Myspace, and Email and how much the digital age is encroaching upon my life and strangling time out of my day. There has probably already been some good articles written about this, so let’s take a side road and reminisce about the good ole days. Maybe this alone will shed light on friendship in the digital age.

When I think about time before social networking sites, e-mail, text messaging, and cell phones, I think about a time when I would leave home in the morning and be completely engaged in whatever activity I set out to do for that day. Whoever I was with would receive my full and undivided attention. I was not thinking about who might be trying to call me or send me a message (unless there was a new boy in my life of course!) and at the end of a day of school, work, or play, I would head home to my sanctuary. As I approached the end of my drive, I would briefly think of my answering machine. I would feel a little excitement, and then begin to wonder who thought of me that day, and if the little red light would be blinking when I walked through the door. Upon arrival, I would head for the play button and listen with joy as I put my things away and sunk down into a comfortable chair. The audio tape would finish in approximately 1-2 minutes, and I would either make the phone calls I needed to make, or jot down a reminder about any phone call I should return the next day. Then it would be over. I would move on into the living room to enjoy the latest sitcom, or movie, and spend time talking with my family. I would play with my dog, focus on homework, read a book, or work on a fun project.

The other thing I loved back then was that one time a day, six days a week, the mailman would come. When he would drive up, I would look out the window and see if he placed anything in the mailbox. Then I would run out with hope that there might be a letter to me from someone I loved. Most of the time there wasn’t, but when there was, I would run back inside, place the rest of the mail on the counter and then rip open the envelope addressed to me. How I loved those sheets of paper and the beauty of my beloved friend’s brushstrokes. I delighted to know they set aside time prior to this letter’s arrival to think of me.

I expected mail to come only once a day, six days a week. Sometimes there would be no mail for me, and I would feel a bit disappointed, but it would be over in seconds. I would have another 24 hours before I would meet that anticipation again.

I find it comical to think what it might be like if I drove around next to my mailman’s vehicle asking him every two or three minutes if I had gotten any new mail. I’m sure he would file harassment charges or at the very least suggest that I visit a doctor for an evaluation. And if he did actually respond to me, I would have more moments of dissatisfaction than satisfaction, because he would have to say “no” more often than he said, “yes.”

Now, in 2008, I rarely experience the sanctuary from anticipation and expectation I had then – the release from wondering if someone somewhere might be sending me a message or expecting one from me. Last week, a friend of mine was telling me about a professor he has who refuses to get a cell phone or sign-up for e-mail. She has made this decision in resistance to capitalism’s effort to have us working 24 hours a day. Why do I envy her? Am I the only one that longs for the freedom she has from the digital age? Do you think the quality of relationships is any different because I have 24 hour access to my friends and “technically” she does not?

Before I let computer time engross me any longer, I just want to say that the fact of the matter is that it’s not the cell phone, the e-mail, or the social networking sites that are the problem really—I don’t think. It is the way that I manage myself within them. I gain wonderful assets from all of these mediums: the ability to be more in touch with my parents than I ever was before (that’s a good thing for me!); the ability to make my phone calls outside when the sun is shining and a breeze is drifting by, and social networking sites allow me to stay in touch with wonderful people who danced through my life years ago. These are all things I once wished for when I didn’t have them. Now that I do, can I discern the difference between what aspects of it really make a positive difference in my life from the ones that steal from me? If I can do that, then managing the inflow and outflow will be easy. It’s easier that we think…it’s just about making a decision and sticking to it.

-Melissa King

melissa@myheartdances.com