This is going to be something along the lines of a Better Living Through Absurdity Quickie. I have been remiss in my columns for the last couple of weeks due to a hectic work schedule and then also being on vacation (where I got to see my fellow contributors in PERSON!) Next week I intend to get back to things with a vengeance but I thought that the least I could do is toss you a bit of something as an apology and to tide you over till the full column appears in all it's glorious ridiculousness. So, without further ado, I present...
2 Things I Heard While At the Airport, Waiting for My Flight
1. While waiting to leave Chicago, I purchased a cup of coffee and a bagel from Starbucks, along with extra cream cheese. I sat down at my gate and proceeded to put the cream cheese on the bagel with a level of neat precision that kind of frightens me. At any rate, there I was, wholly absorbed in my task when suddenly this conversation cuts through my calming zen waves of food prep. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a couple, probably early thirties, most likely culled from the "up and coming businessperson" category ("wannabe junior executive just sounds mean) given their casual yet still name brand attire, the tans that ALMOST look real and the presence of sunglasses, large purse, a man's travel sack, laptop computers and snappy cellphones. Anyways, these two are chowing down on McDonalds...a lot of McDonalds. And in the midst of chewing on what appeared to be a double quarter pounder with cheese, the girl sighs and says, "I have to detox this week." The guy mutters something unintelligable. She continues by letting him know just what this process entails. "No liquor, no fat, no grease -just raw fruits and vegetables. I've got to get this crap out of my system. I'm going to have to buy a lot of cabbage. You know cabbage soup is what they use to detox celebrities. I love cabbage." The guy, who to my eyes looked profoundly disinterested, seemed to suddenly realize that he'd at least better ACT interested so he chokes back a bit of burger and says, "Really? Cabbage? Wow. That's cool." She continues chewing and nodding and then begins to relate how much she loves salads and salads mixed with cabbage and then she says, "I also love brussel sprouts. I steam them in chicken broth and garlic and it's sooooo tasty." At this point the guy looks up in amazement -genuine as far as I can tell and says, "Really?! In chicken broth? Instead of water?! And with garlic?!" as though this is a totally foreign concept with potentially earth-shattering possibilities. I was holding in laughter so hard that I almost pitched my bagel off my knee where it was precariously balanced. She nods sagely and launches into a speil about various foods that she likes that hey, guess what, are good for you! Like for instance, did you know that carrots make a good snack? Or that fresh fruit can make a huge difference on your diet? And that leafy greens are excellent for your system and have lots of vitamins? I'm sure if somehow you managed to miss all of that in elementary school, you'd have been as surprised as I was. I was waiting for her to tell him that milk somehow can help make your bones stronger...and then for him to smack her for being such a know-it-all little prat.
Eventually the McDonalds bag was emptied, thrown in the proper "We Recycle" bin (though I have no idea if paper soaked in grease is really recyclable) and then they set off in search of a chocolate bar and some coffee. I finally allowed myself to laugh, startling the woman across from me who had watched me most intently as I cream cheesed my bagel. I think perhaps she was trying to determine if my meticulous knifework proclaimed me to be a sociopath or worse, someone with a severe case of food OCD. I laughed even more as they walked away because somehow they missed the Starbucks which happened to be IN our gate.
2. This was just one of those random snippets that you overhear which makes you shake your head with absolute wonderment.
A man was sitting in one of the terminal chairs, taking care of some paperwork, checking a few things on his laptop and generally exuding the air of "important person with important business which is conducted on expensive and important technological gadgets" -he too was tan, though his was quite real, owing most likely to the vacation that he'd extensively described in a prior phone call. I would have listened to the whole thing a little more thoroughly except after the sentence, "So yeah we just got wasted and took the boat out" I tuned out. It amazes me how much the douchebag teenager never quite leaves even the most competent of businessmen. I hardly need to point out the serious lack of responsibility you must possess if you honestly think that taking a boat out after getting trashed, especially in a heavily-trafficked vacation spot, is a great...nay...kickASS idea. This is the same kind of jerkwad who splashed kids at the local pool...
I digress. So after the vacation call he's gone back to doing work and I've gone back to semi-reading my book. His phone rings again and he picks it up. Apparently it was one of the guys he vacationed with -some of them stayed on for an extra week I learned. He's kind of doing that muffled, mumbled type of "yes I am listening, please continue" dialogue. Then suddenly he leaps up and says, "Oh fuck -Joey got attacked by a shark?!?!! Oh fuck man, is he okay? How the fuck are you so calm about this? You just call me out of nowhere to tell me this?!" which of course makes everyone in the vicinity look up in various states of amusement, shock, horror, confusion and just plain whaaaa?!
Then his face clears and we all hear, "Ohhhh, he's over at the park. Cool." followed by a slight clearing of throat. Everyone kind of snickers and shakes their heads and returns to whatever was previously occupying them.
See, it's things like that which reinforce my love for airports.
Okay enough for now -I'm melting over here and I can actually leave work early so I think that's just what I'm going to do. More to come next week!!!
2 Things I Heard While At the Airport, Waiting for My Flight
1. While waiting to leave Chicago, I purchased a cup of coffee and a bagel from Starbucks, along with extra cream cheese. I sat down at my gate and proceeded to put the cream cheese on the bagel with a level of neat precision that kind of frightens me. At any rate, there I was, wholly absorbed in my task when suddenly this conversation cuts through my calming zen waves of food prep. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a couple, probably early thirties, most likely culled from the "up and coming businessperson" category ("wannabe junior executive just sounds mean) given their casual yet still name brand attire, the tans that ALMOST look real and the presence of sunglasses, large purse, a man's travel sack, laptop computers and snappy cellphones. Anyways, these two are chowing down on McDonalds...a lot of McDonalds. And in the midst of chewing on what appeared to be a double quarter pounder with cheese, the girl sighs and says, "I have to detox this week." The guy mutters something unintelligable. She continues by letting him know just what this process entails. "No liquor, no fat, no grease -just raw fruits and vegetables. I've got to get this crap out of my system. I'm going to have to buy a lot of cabbage. You know cabbage soup is what they use to detox celebrities. I love cabbage." The guy, who to my eyes looked profoundly disinterested, seemed to suddenly realize that he'd at least better ACT interested so he chokes back a bit of burger and says, "Really? Cabbage? Wow. That's cool." She continues chewing and nodding and then begins to relate how much she loves salads and salads mixed with cabbage and then she says, "I also love brussel sprouts. I steam them in chicken broth and garlic and it's sooooo tasty." At this point the guy looks up in amazement -genuine as far as I can tell and says, "Really?! In chicken broth? Instead of water?! And with garlic?!" as though this is a totally foreign concept with potentially earth-shattering possibilities. I was holding in laughter so hard that I almost pitched my bagel off my knee where it was precariously balanced. She nods sagely and launches into a speil about various foods that she likes that hey, guess what, are good for you! Like for instance, did you know that carrots make a good snack? Or that fresh fruit can make a huge difference on your diet? And that leafy greens are excellent for your system and have lots of vitamins? I'm sure if somehow you managed to miss all of that in elementary school, you'd have been as surprised as I was. I was waiting for her to tell him that milk somehow can help make your bones stronger...and then for him to smack her for being such a know-it-all little prat.
Eventually the McDonalds bag was emptied, thrown in the proper "We Recycle" bin (though I have no idea if paper soaked in grease is really recyclable) and then they set off in search of a chocolate bar and some coffee. I finally allowed myself to laugh, startling the woman across from me who had watched me most intently as I cream cheesed my bagel. I think perhaps she was trying to determine if my meticulous knifework proclaimed me to be a sociopath or worse, someone with a severe case of food OCD. I laughed even more as they walked away because somehow they missed the Starbucks which happened to be IN our gate.
2. This was just one of those random snippets that you overhear which makes you shake your head with absolute wonderment.
A man was sitting in one of the terminal chairs, taking care of some paperwork, checking a few things on his laptop and generally exuding the air of "important person with important business which is conducted on expensive and important technological gadgets" -he too was tan, though his was quite real, owing most likely to the vacation that he'd extensively described in a prior phone call. I would have listened to the whole thing a little more thoroughly except after the sentence, "So yeah we just got wasted and took the boat out" I tuned out. It amazes me how much the douchebag teenager never quite leaves even the most competent of businessmen. I hardly need to point out the serious lack of responsibility you must possess if you honestly think that taking a boat out after getting trashed, especially in a heavily-trafficked vacation spot, is a great...nay...kickASS idea. This is the same kind of jerkwad who splashed kids at the local pool...
I digress. So after the vacation call he's gone back to doing work and I've gone back to semi-reading my book. His phone rings again and he picks it up. Apparently it was one of the guys he vacationed with -some of them stayed on for an extra week I learned. He's kind of doing that muffled, mumbled type of "yes I am listening, please continue" dialogue. Then suddenly he leaps up and says, "Oh fuck -Joey got attacked by a shark?!?!! Oh fuck man, is he okay? How the fuck are you so calm about this? You just call me out of nowhere to tell me this?!" which of course makes everyone in the vicinity look up in various states of amusement, shock, horror, confusion and just plain whaaaa?!
Then his face clears and we all hear, "Ohhhh, he's over at the park. Cool." followed by a slight clearing of throat. Everyone kind of snickers and shakes their heads and returns to whatever was previously occupying them.
See, it's things like that which reinforce my love for airports.
Okay enough for now -I'm melting over here and I can actually leave work early so I think that's just what I'm going to do. More to come next week!!!
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