Better Living Through Absurdity

So, it’s been awhile. I wish there was a better excuse other than “life got in the way” but that’s really what it is. Well, and not having home internet. I had no idea what a pain in the ass it was trying to write while surrounded by small children, attempting to appease parents over various things, attempting to prevent random street people from wandering in, placating over-emotional teenagers and answering phone calls that more often than not are either people hanging up on me or people wanting to ramble on about this and that like I’ve got nothing better to do than be a pro bono desk therapist. It does appear that the end of these dark days is in sight, but until then, I've got to muddle through this stupid cold and the last few days of waiting for my home internet to be turned back on, while planning the massive overhaul of apartment and the tons of cleaning and organizing that must be done before winter gets here. Oh yeah, and I need to get an oil change and some new tires.

That being said, nothing of extreme absurdity has happened but there are lots of random things that have so I’ll share some of them with you, just in time for the One Year anniversary of The Boutros Boutros Follies!!!

Scoring the Skincare Jackpot

So, I love CVS. Wal-greens too, but CVS I have a little more love for. Probably because when I lived in CA, the Thrifty drugstore we had that sold the BEST ice cream for a mere pittance, was bought out by Wal-greens and they did away with that brand of ice cream and started carrying their own which wasn’t as good and cost way more. But I digress…

I’ve come to the realization that the older you get, the more products are directed towards you at a place like CVS. I still haven’t quite figured out why it is that as you age, you seem to need more things…we become more dependent than we were as babies! One of the things I’ve taken note of lately is how many skincare products are available for “the aging woman” –you’ve got firming creams, lifters, copper/collagen boosters, wrinkle-reducers, stress smoothers, eye bag concealers, laugh line erasers, tighteners, brighteners and whiteners, night therapy, day savers, gels, ointments, rubs, masques, peels, scrubs, polishers, pumices, foaming cleansers and astringent wipes…it’s rather fucking frightening. It takes me 20 minutes to locate which sub-section I need and then another 10-20 to decide which product I want (because once you pare it down, there’s like really 5 different ones but by 2 different companies) and then you have to figure out how much your skin is worth to you (I’m pretty lucky with my skin but I don’t want it to get the idea that I’m cheap –I tend to go mid-grade just in case it starts thinking about getting uppity.)

Now I just turned 28 a few months ago and really, I hardly think that someone needs to worry about aging until they hit half a century –then perhaps you want to start taking stock. But a lot of my female friends (and a good portion of the male ones too) are already using various products to slow the signs of aging and make their skin more supple, smooth and serene (not something I think about my skin being but I suppose it’s far better than having skin that’s agitated, abrasive or like armadillo plates…) I took a good long look at myself in the mirror and decided “well, it can’t hurt!” and decided to purchase a couple of things for my body since, as I’ve lost weight, started eating better and working out, I might as well spend some time on the surface level stuff since maybe it’s kinda earned the attention.

So I purchased a body lotion that contains copper, biotin and some sort of firming crap…that was about $9.00. Then I got a firming/smoothing/moisturizing night crème for face and neck…that was $10.00. Then I got a special fruit based face scrub for $6.00 and then I drew the line. Now, even to me, that’s a lot of money to pay for skincare –till I looked over the whole selection and realized that I could have been paying upwards of $30, $35 for some of it and I have friends that pay far more for some of the skincare systems you can buy nowadays.

In taking stock of my skin, sure I have a few laugh lines but I’m remarkably free of crows-feet, brow lines, splotchiness, oiliness or dullness. I suppose my hope is that if I start doing these things now, by the time I SHOULD actually be seeing some of those things appear, I’ll have staved them off sufficiently enough that no one will look at me when I’m 50 and think, “wow, we finally figured out whatever happened to Baby Jane.”

Thank You For Smoking

Being as Chicago is another smoke-free city, those of us who indulge in the filthy habit are of course forced to take to the streets and sidewalks if we want a mid-outing cigarette. In truth, I don’t mind it much (though it is SO galling when I’m in an all-night diner) and I’ve discovered that it’s a great way to meet people. Of course, these aren’t people you really WANT to meet necessarily but they can certainly provide you with some interesting anecdotes.

The other night, about 1am, I’m having my last cigarette for the evening before leaving for home. An old, frail-looking black woman with a Santa Claus hat on, comes up to me and asks me for a lighter. I hand her mine. She introduces herself…

Lady: “I’m Cherry from Cleveland.” (does a little shuffle dance curtsey thing…)

Me: “Nice to meet you.”

Lady: That’s T-e-r-r-y…from Cleveland.”

Me: “Oh…so it’s Terry?” (thinking perhaps I had misheard)

Lady: “Nope. Cherry…and I don’t know if I told you this, but I’m from Cleveland.”

Me: “Awesome.”

She smiles and giggles a bit, and then one of the guys next door cries out, “Ho ho ho!” and she responds with a rather elegant flourish, “Meeeeerrrrrrry Christmas!” and then she turns to me, straightens up and says, “I’m going to go back to sleep now.” I tell her to have a good night, she salutes me and walks off.

Slow Like Wildebeest, Quick Like Tiger

This actually happened earlier today. I’ve been pretty sick the past few days and so when I get home from work or school I take a fairly hefty dose of Nyquil and attempt to get a good night’s sleep. I had to be up early today to move the car for street cleaning so I figured I’d just get ready for work and put in a few extra hours. I stopped off at the CVS to get some throat lozenges and it was about this time that I realized I was pretty feverish and slightly disoriented. How did I realize this, you ask? Well, as some of you know, I listen to a lot of old radio programs and I’ve gotten in trouble in the past with having them on while I sleep because I tend to incorporate the stories into my dreams and at times, that can be a dangerous thing. I stopped for awhile but lately I’ve needed to have something lulling me to sleep so I started back up again. I also tend to put them on when I’m getting ready for work or what have you. Gives me something to focus on while putting on makeup, doing my hair, etc.

Anyways, over the last few days I’ve been listening heavily to the Adventures By Morse series, a personal favorite of mine. And when I parked the car at CVS I realized that I was making a list in my head that included several things from one of the episodes. The mental process went something like this:

Me: “Okay refill prescription, get throat drops, razor blade for shoe, damn I wore the wrong shoes, hrrrmm, perhaps some long socks, length of twine, wrench, baby powder, couple of cans of cat food, coffee to go and let me think, pocket knife if they’ve got it and batteries for the camera.”

…

Me: “What the hell?”

I shake my head as if to clear it, get out of my car and start to head in. Just as I hit the doors, someone comes running out of them and slams into me, knocking me back on the ground before I even had time to register the hit. For some reason, my brain decides that he’s “the enemy” (and really, if you see someone running out of a store full-tilt with people behind them, the normal assumption is that they stole something.) As he kind of staggers away from me I somehow - (and believe me, I have no idea where this momentary burst of awesomeness came from…I’m going to just light a candle for Chuck Norris and Chow Yun-Fat, patron saints of ass-kickery) –manage to grab the waist of his pants while sweeping my right leg over and tripping him. Which kind of makes him fall on me. At which point, I kind of realize that he’s wearing a really nice suit and wool coat. Not really the standard shoplifter gear. And then…

My fever breaks.

I just start sweating profusely and shivering because it’s cold outside. The man by this point is staring at me like I’m batshit insane. He’s not entirely wrong in that assumption. He is still nice enough to help me to my feet and he apologizes for slamming into me and knocking me down. As he’s dusting himself off, he is also watching me rather warily, probably assuming that I might lose it at any second.

Man: “Why did you grab me?”

Me: “Well…I thought you were a thief.”

Man, looking incredulous: “What?! Why in the hell would you think that?!”

Me, realizing my ass hurts and starting to feel self-righteous: “You were running out of the store, people were following you, you knocked me down, I’ve got a fever and I’m coming off of a large dose of Nyquil –what was I supposed to think?!”

Man, shaking his head and kind of laughing: “Well you moved pretty quickly -I'm rather impressed.”

Me: “I’m really sorry –I don’t know what happened. I just kind of reacted.”

Man, points across the street: “I was running because I had a cab waiting and I didn’t want him to leave with my stuff.”

Me, looking horrified: “He’s still there, right?!”

Man: “Yeah he’s there –so my stuff is safe. It’s just the meter I’m going to have to worry about.”

Me: “I feel really bad.”

Man: “You don’t look so good – did your fever break?”

Me, trying to pull myself together: “Yeah. I know I must look terrible and insane. I just wanted to grab some throat lozenges before work.”

Man: “Well, I need to get going –I’m sorry for the confusion and for running into you. I hope you feel better.”

Me: “I’m really sorry too –hope I didn’t damage your suit. And I am sorry that the meter has been running.”

Man: “No worries –I can bill it as an expense.” (At my confused look he smiles and says, “Hazard pay.”)

And he left. And I got my throat drops. And felt better about 20 minutes later once the last part of the fever left and I had some fluids in me. I still don't know why it looked like people were chasing him and I can't even tell you what he looked like other than probably mid-forties, decent looking and nice taste in suits. I'm amazed I managed to get throat drops and didn't ask for anything suspicious or crazy sounding. Days like this, it really is all about being thankful for small favors.

My ass still hurts though.

A special thanks to Adam, Brian and Peter –the gentlemen who started this site and who so graciously let me be a part of it. They were also a big part of my most excellent birthday and I consider myself extremely lucky to call them friends. Happy Anniversary Boys –here’s to another wonderful and creative year!!!