Underground, Above and Beyond: The Casually Edited True Life Subway Adventures of Hershey Browne

“Hello Coney Island bound travelers,” said the blind Italian accordion player as he entered the Manhattan bound F train. “Here’s a beach favorite.”

I recognized Under the Boardwalk within a few notes. The Drifter’s song was a staple at my home, and on the road, as a kid. He played and sang it quite well. He looked like he could have been the Italian and fifth Beatle on the cover of Abbey Road. I was very much into his act and prepared to cough up somewhere between fifty cents and a dollar, depending on where and how he took the bridge. And then it happened.

“Come on now help me out,” he asked the subway riders. From a few people back, I helped him out.
“Under the boardwalk…”
He turned his head my way but sang “out of the sun.”
I go again: “Under the Boardwalk.”
“Ok ok, stop. You, come here, singer.”

He was still playing the accordion at this point but it couldn’t have felt more silent. I felt sick but walked over to him. He’s still playing the accordion music to Under the Boardwalk. Everyone that ever existed is staring at me.

“What is this singing you do?”
“You know this is kind of silly, inviting people to sing and then giving me shit about it in front of the whole F train. Which by the way is Manhattan bound.”
“Yes, I realize that after the first stop.”
“And that’s it?”
“Yeah, what else do you want me to say? You can’t sing and when you talk, you whine. “

At this point, everyone was staring at me with dropped jaws and muffled “oh snaps.” I thought about bowing and trying to make it look like I was part of the act but the crowd did not really seem Three’s Company enough. Then I thought about punching the accordion player. But instead I announced, “He’s right. Ladies and Gentleman, he’s right. Now if you don’t mind, I’ll be exiting at the next stop and taking the day off. Feel free to join me.” And then I smiled at a cute girl. She shook her head “no” because it was easier than shaking her head “you’re a loser.”