Better Living Through Absurdity

This Week’s Topic: Random Anecdotes

I can’t seem to come up with one killer story for this week so I’ve decided to give you some random anecdotes about this, that and the other!

I had a message on the work phone the other day from a girl who sounded like she was twelve and had been sucking on the helium. According to her, she “loooooooooves to jump” and she wants to take a class on the trampoline because she “loooooooooves to jump” and can she come in and jump because “jumping is soooooooooo fun!”

I actually had to call this broad back –and I was on the phone for 30 minutes listening to her extol the virtues of the trampoline. She didn’t seem to understand that we don’t exclusively teach the trampoline but she will be able to USE the trampoline in class. Then I asked her how old she was so I could figure out which class I could put her in…turns out –she’s 30. I finally put her on speakerphone so the other people here could understand why I was making a weird face. I think it was something of a mix of horror, laughter and pity…regardless, she sounded like a bad imitation of a cartoon character…on crack.

2

I was at Trader Joes buying some healthy food and I was looking over the dried fruits and this old man comes up to me and says, “You should always squeeze ‘em a bit.” I turn to look at him, not having any idea what he was talking about and said, “Pardon?” and he says, “You know, give ‘em a bit of a pinch.” I look down at the package in my hands which happened to be raisins. Without thinking I blurt out, “But that’s like pinching someone’s nipples or something!” And he gives me this totally creepy grin and says, “Yeah I know!” and he walks off, cackling that creepy old person who’s basically condemning you to a horrible fate in some death clown mutant zombie redneck butcher house laugh. Still…best damn raisins I’ve had in a long time.

3

There’s a girl in my building who has really loud, really fake sounding, porno sex –usually in the middle of the night, and usually after she’s stumbled up the stairs like a sedated musk-ox who happens to be wearing clogs. Now, I have no problem with someone being vocal –I am prone to that myself –but she just sounds like she’s reading the subtitles of a late 80’s porno –and there’s not so much as a grunt out of the guy. I find this all very annoying. Today as I was getting ready, I keep hearing this noise. I couldn’t tell if it was a baby crying or her having her really bad high-pitched pig-squeezing sex. It would start and then stop suddenly so I couldn’t quite get a handle on what it was I was hearing. Finally after a dozen or so attempts at trying to place it, I threw down my brush and yelled out the window, “For god’s sake, is it a baby crying or is someone having sex?!” All noise ceased. I think even the garbagemen stopped using the compactor. A hush descended. So then I said, “Look, I’m not judging –I just want to know –I can’t tell and it’s driving me nuts!” The hush continued. No one ventured forth an answer. And still I waited, ear cocked. Patiently. Oh so patiently. Finally, a loud squawking wail goes up, followed by some more crying and that little hiccupping sob noise –and triumphant, I declared loudly, “Baby!” and resumed getting ready to go.

4

Finally, this occurred the other week and it still makes me giggle. There’s a girl from school that I absolutely despise. For those of you who recall, she’s the one I bitched out during the Blade Runner lecture I gave. She’s a pathetic witling who spends her time sleeping, texting, yammering or tanning –basically, nothing of any great importance. She’s in one of my media classes and we had our final which was due via email by noon on Monday. Now, if you’re in the Comm/Media/Theater program, chances are, you’re on the mailing list for that department. And this poor, hypermaterialistic little drama whore, decides to respond to a posting about a class change –with her final. She sends her final to the entire message board. With the most lame-ass excuse for its lateness: Please accept my apologies for the inconvenient timing of this matter. (What?! I’m all for some flowery prose but it’s better if it actually MAKES FRIGGIN SENSE!) I was called in today to work for a sick girl, late last night, (How can you be called in today, but late last night, to work for a sick girl? Even if she’s not lying, she’s too stupid to be allowed this particular excuse…) and I just got in right now to send you the e-mail, (Why do you have a comma if you’re going to start a new sentence with a capital letter? I know you took copyediting you hapless tart –you’d think at least the basics of grammar would have stuck with you.) Thanks so much and I will see you again!! Great Class! (Yeah, sure –great considering that you slept through most of it and what you didn’t get to sleep through you were texting for the duration of the class. Or just staring at nothing with this absolutely vacant look on your face like someone just lobotomized you.)

Oh –and her paper topic: Barack Obama is Not a Muslim. I give you, for your amusement (since there’s not a chance in hell you’ll find it edifying) –the first paragraph:

The Sago Mine Tragedy and the accusation that Senator Barack Obama is a Muslim are definitely two prime examples of how political miscommunication can spread like wild fire and how it causes serious damage to a society. To recap, The Sago Mine Tragedy was an event that occurred in January of 2006, involving twelve miners that were reported alive and one pronounced dead, later the story altered to twelve dead and one individual who had survived. What’s more is that the language or choice of words used, such as “bodies were found” was deliberately interpreted ambiguously. Also, the presentation Barack Obama is not a Muslim was a miscommunication regarding how the media referred to Obama ethnically as someone he was not. In sum, both presentations have the same medium as being faulty, the damage was done on the subjects of each incident, and nothing was ever done to rectify these vast dilemmas.

Believe me –it gets worse –at one point she says, that the media “decapitated” instead of “depicted.”

Alright, that’s all I got for ya –back to pondering other stuff!