Better Living Through Absurdity

This Week's Topic: The Wonderful Weekend of Wackiness, Weirdness and What-the-Bleepness?!

Part One: Wild and Loose…Morris Day Retrofitted

So Saturday I decided to head to my neighborhood place and as it was raining and I didn’t feel like dealing with the hassle of parking, I decided to take a cab. Howsoever, not a cab was to be found. I called about 10 places and apparently, no one wants to answer their phone or they told me I had an hour or more wait. So I said screw it and decided to take my chances with driving since, if that many people are taking cabs, then there’s a good chance that there would be parking. But as I walked outside, the rain had stopped and I thought, well heck, I’ll just walk up to the corner and try to hail a cab.

So I do, chatting on the phone with my friend and enjoying the crisp air. Get up to the first major intersection and attempt to hail a cab. Apparently quite poorly as no one was stopping. At one point my friend said, “Maybe you should get out in the street” which, while logical to some extent as you would assume traffic would HAVE to stop for me, with my luck, I’d get the one asshole on a mission and he’d just barrel right by me. So, I keep my position, looking out for cabs and still talking to my friend. Suddenly to the right of me, I notice a cop car pull up into the parking lot. Slowly. Oh so slowly. And they’re eyeballing me. Then they pull around the lot and drive up right behind me –like all of three feet behind me –and they just sit. Lights blazing on me, sitting. I fail to see why they couldn’t bother to get out of the car and ask me if I was alright or if I needed any help –they just sit and stare with their lights burning a hole in my backside. My friend on the phone asked what was going on and I said that they probably thought I was either waiting for a john or trying to score some drugs. And then I kind of shrugged it off and said, “Eh whatever, they’ll figure out soon that I’m just looking for a cab.”

Until of course a city bus pulls up in the turn lane across from me. And the driver opens his window and leans out…and begins to proposition me. Making kissy faces, and the always classy “call me” sign, saying, “Hey baby, why dontcha talk to me, hmmm, talk to me.” Now all I can mutter is, “Oh for fuck’s sake” and my friend asks, “What the heck is going on?!” so I tell her, “Well, the bus driver is blowing my cover.”

I should probably point out that it wasn’t like he had an empty bus –there were like 20 people in it, all watching out the window to see who the driver was coming on to. 15 seconds indeed…

Anyways, by some blessed miracle, a driver nears the corner and I hold my hand up in one last attempt to hail a cab, trapped between the waiting cop and the leering bus driver, the rain starting back up and the temperature dropping even more. He motions me over, I about fall on my knees to bless him and I’m off.

I arrive at my destination, head inside and proceed to get a seat, order some coffee and just relax. Now, as I know most of the staff there, I try to make it a point to say hi to everyone and I headed upstairs to check in on my friend CJ who was bartending. We’re chatting for a bit till suddenly this guy comes up on my left.

I nearly did a double take because I would have sworn he was Morris Day.

The sudden and brief exclamation of “MMMM!” emitting from him didn’t do much to change that opinion.

He had the suit, the piano key tie, the two-tone shoes, the hair, the moustache…and the Jerome.

And he’s eyeballing me like a chubby kid looks at a chocolate bar after lent.

The conversation ended up going like this:

Morris Day redux: “MMMM! You…are…deee-licious. Mmm mmm mmm.”

Me: “Ummm, thanks. That’s nice.”

Morris Day now moving in for the kill: “I’d like to buy you some ice…cuh-ream.”

Me:………………………

CJ: “Are you going to buy her a drink or what?”

Morris Day giving me “the look”: “I’d like to buy her a night on the town!”

Me: *thinks* Yeah, do you have a bearskin rug, and a fireplace too?

Me: *says* “Well that’s quite the offer.”

Morris Day, trying to ignore his Jerome who’s sidled up to him: “You just…accentuate…the place…with all you’ve got…going on.”

Then he kisses my cheek and leaves.

I’m torn between horror and hysterical laughter. I, of course, opt for the hysterical laughter.

And believe me, that’s just the beginning…part 2 to come next week!