For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE for the first installment, and if you're interested the other entries are available as well. (2) (3)
Today's Topic: How to write a personal ad
Internet dating...the modern answer to courtship that makes you wonder what ever happened the the good old days of slipping the lucky lady's dad a few pieces of gold before carting her off to your more-than-likely filthy domicile to breed for you, or waiting for the day when some widowed, pox-ridden lech would "make an honest woman of you" after threatening your family with the loss of their lands and titles. Now, you just have to sit and wait for your email inbox to register "incoming sucker" and before you know it, you're on the way to forming meaningful and long-lasting connections (well at least as long as your wireless connection lasts) with people all over the globe. Who wants the girl next door when you can have sexy Russian siren Ivanka who iz joost dying to be naked for yoo? Why try to catch the eye of the sweet, shy guy at the library when you can have the overtanned, musclebound lawyer/surfer/rock star/model who goes by the catchy moniker "Ur#1LuvToy" sweeping you off your feet?! People within your geographical location are BORING. You've been there and done that and you've decided you want a change. You want to be as happy as some of the couples you see in television commercials (never mind that they're the ones for "living with herpes" or "controlling incontinence" medicine.) You deserve a chance at happiness! (Just like you deserve to win the lottery only the odds are better for the lottery.) So, at the advice of some well-meaning friend (who, having found someone that will tolerate them, has decided that it's their new mission in life to make all their friends equally miserable,) you decide to write up your very own personal ad.
Now, it should be obvious that a personal ad needs to be appealing enough to catch the eyes of your potential victims. Highlighting your positive attributes, your wants and needs as far as a partner goes, and even mentioning a few of your no-no's is a good, solid formula that can't really steer you wrong. Of course, you don't want to seem like everyone else out there -you definitely want to set yourself apart from all the other perverts and gold-diggers. So a catchy title, maybe a reference to a song or movie, or a prescription drug is a good way to grab attention. You might include something silly or funny in your information, something that says, “I'm relaxed and easygoing!” (read: I live in sweatpants and think that pizza delivery and Netflix are two of the three parts of the Holy Trinity, the third being a robot who brings you beer) or, “I'm spontaneous and fun!” (read: habitually late and no sense of responsibility with a voice that will make you want to chew tinfoil), or even “I have a sense of humor about that time in prison -you should too!” (read: I hope you like wearing duct tape.) These things will help others to see the special qualities you possess that might make you an ideal candidate for a future piece of emotional baggage.
Just remember -that whole thing you got spoon-fed about there being someone for everyone, well numbers-wise, sure. With 6+ billion people on the planet, it's a safe bet that there's one out there who'd be willing to copulate with you, heck it's even reasonably certain that you can find one with all the working parts and a means of communication. But as far as finding Mister or Misses Right...well, that's going to take some time. (In some cases, you might have to think of it as a permanent hiatus.) Writing a personal ad, no matter how fantastic, is no guarantee that you'll land a good one the first time around. Look at Henry VIII -that poor bastard had to slog through 6 of them and he probably was never sure that Ms. Right wasn't one of the decapitated ones (talk about burning your wenches...er...bridges.) So, with that in mind, I thought I'd share 2 prime examples of personal ads, broken down so you can see the salient points as well as what really makes them pop. Now these are real personal ads, taken from Craigslist -and if any of them catches your eye, I'll be sure to send along the response info to you!
First up, a gentleman who prefers the finer things in life...
me do you realy want to know??
ok me: i drink a bottle of rum a night i smoke a pack and a half a day if i dont have vicaden tylenol will have to do. when i go out i spend around 100 if im with someone 75 if im not. my biggest day out is monday-thursday i dont like crowded bars humm whatelse i useto go out to pick up girls but now i go out to get drunk the best part about me is i walk up every morning and work all day long without a hang over or head acke. (Hey guess what? I wrote this drunk, drugged and blindfolded, thinking that you'd appreciate my candid nature and think that my downward spiral into addiction and psychosis is charming and sympathy-inducing, and really, I can't pick up girls at bars anymore because the only sport I can offer them is various contests involving chugging liquor or “pick a pill, any pill!” and since I'm living off of my trust fund, I can support my habits without having to turn to prostitution or god forbid, a real job!)
ok You: someone that dosent drink every day someone that dosent like to stay out tull 5 in the morning or even past 2 someone who would be down for just chillin in well pritty much someone that i can be with that wont be my (and your) downfall as f-ed up as my life sounds it realy isnt im a good guy when it comes to someone besides i guess me so if your a good lookin girl that feeles like there bord on craigs list at 11 on a sunday and want to say waddup ill tell you some of my good things that i diddent want to post because to many ladys would be emailin me.. wink wink (So, I want someone who's basically my mother, who will clean up my vomit, wash my piss-stained pants, not get mad at me for creating a trail of chaos in the wake of my uncoordinated stumblings, and might even think it's cute, and I'd really like it if you could take responsibility for my problems so that I don't have to because it's really annoying to feel all this guilt when I just want to be high, but I do want you to be pretty enough to maybe have sex with, should I ever prove capable of it and of course so my other trust fund brat friends don't get on me for living with a total dog, and I promise that I do have one or two redeeming qualities, but you'll be the type who loves me for my faults anyways so I don't have to feel pressured to be, you know, a functioning human being. Yeah -ladies, how is this guy still single? He's at least gotta be good for milking some of mums and daddum's money...)
I'm Great! - Looking for Someone to marry - 31
You and I, are not involved in multiple long term relationships as monogamy is required. (So she appears to be open to flings, affairs and one-night stands on the side -see, there's the openminded and easygoing!) I am great and you won't be disappointed. (Thank you for letting me know that -all my potential worries about a life with you have flown out the window!) The reason why I decided to post this ad here(I've tried match.com as well) (which means no one answered her ads or thought she was great) is to find my life partner, our future together. (I think “futures” is another category but at least she's showing that she's got a broad range) I am great(!) (yes, you mentioned that didn't you?) and I am very good looking(and I look like 25y/o), (Because as we all know, looking 31 is totally heinous) educated, (in what country?) very attractive, (oh attractive AND good looking!) looking to get married with the right minded man (ah, the one who can get you a green card) who is good looking, (does he need to look 25 as well?) educated, and stable. (Meaning that he was smart enough to get a job that pays well enough to support your retail habits) Not into players, three some, open relationship, cheating, liers and drug addicts. (No sense of fun or adventure!) D/D free, stable job, never married, not attached, live alone(no pets) in the city are the requirements. (So, she's boring, controlling, hates animals, probably won't bear your children, will be constantly suspicious of your every move, will go through your private possessions, call you every hour, spend all of your money while declaring that you don't make enough and that all of your friends are doing better and their wives have more than she does, she'll hate your parents because they look old and smell of death, she'll cry if you refuse her anything, she'll refuse you everything, she'll alienate all of your friends and if she even thinks that you might have looked at another woman, it's a safe bet that you'll be tied to a chair and tortured while she sips a mimosa and curses at you in some unintelligible gypsy dialect before departing with her things and lighting the place on fire behind her, after which she'll collect the insurance money and post a new ad. What is there NOT to love?!)
There you have it -two great examples of personal ads that really say something. I hope that after reading them, you have some ideas of how to proceed with your own ad! Just remember to be original and creative, but keep in mind that finding that perfect fit is more than just a matter of Tab A into Tab B! Happy hunting suckers!
Next Week's Topic: 20 Things...
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