Better Living Through Absurdity

For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE for the first installment, and if you're interested the other entries are available as well. (2) (3) (4)

Today's Topic: 20 Things...That You Don't Want to Hear On a Date

From time to time, in this little bit of absurdity I call a column, I'll present you with lists of 20 things -these will vary from suggestions to warnings, advise a change in perception, point out some potential trouble areas and/or a mix of all of the above. Since Thursday is Valentine's Day (something that you can't have failed to notice as you are bombarded with the miscellaneous paraphernalia everywhere you go- red and pink and white and hearts and cuddly things leering at you, reminding you that you are a dismal failure in the dating community, that you're stuck in a dead-end relationship, that your mother seems to be the only one who sees your finer points, that no matter what you say about choosing to be single, you know that a plant or a pet or even the shiniest Kitchenaid in the world are no substitute for human companionship... cards you will never get, balloons that will never pop on your ceiling, stuffed animals that will never creep you out at night when the light hits those plastic eyes that seem so condemning at 3am, candles that will never grace the edge of your bathtub that's too small to fit one person much less two in an amorous mood, wine that will never lead to the nicer kind of mistakes...all of this is systematically and nauseatingly shoved down your throat each and every year as soon as they've stopped milking Christmas and New Years and before the great travesty known as “No, You're Really NOT Irish on March 17^th No Matter How Much Guinness You Drink” happens or even worse, the “Crucifixion Isn't So Bad When You Have Bunnies and Brightly Colored Eggs to Console You!” debacle.

I sound bitter. I'm not. I've been in several long-term relationships where the person had a hard time remembering how my name was spelled, so forget about holidays. For some reason they always liked to hide behind the “But every day is special with you” excuse...which by the way, only works once. When the next day hits and they're back to asking you to wash their highly abused underwear or fix them a sandwich, you know that you were duped and thus begins a new cycle of resentment that will eventually lead to outright loathing. But I digress. I am single this year -and by choice. Not that I necessarily want to be single, but I'd rather be single than date some of the poor excuses for high-school-science-specimen rejects that I kept meeting since I was inducted into the mysteries of “if a boy makes fun of you that means he likes you” -another load of codswallop -that little bastard not only made fun of me but threw rocks at my head, pushed me down a 30-foot icy hill face first, tripped me on the ice skating rink and unceasingly taunted me with some of the nastiest things you can say to a 7-year old girl.

Anyways.

For your amusement/edification, I have put together a list of 20 Things You Never Want to Hear on a Date...but I did.

1. Guy: So, look ah, Tiffany...it's Tiffany right?

Me: No, it's...

Guy: Whatever. Look, I was thinking I'd swing by my buddy's house -he's got some coke for me and I figured we could do a few lines and then go have some fun -whaddya say?

Me: Um...

Guy: Say, do you like oreos?

2. Guy: Do you have anything that smells like almonds? (I didn't but he persisted until I said that the only thing I had that was almond related was almond essence for cooking. He insisted I get it though I warned him that it didn't smell like almonds till it was heated in the oven. He proceeded to dump it all over me and then rub my skin really hard till I smelled like a toasted nut. I won't say what followed, but I almost burned those sheets and I couldn't smell an almond for years without getting the creeps.)

3. Guy: (Out of nowhere) So I made out with a guy once. No big deal. I mean, like I'm not gay, but whatever.

Me: Well there's nothing wrong with experimenting.

Guy: So, you'd like to watch me make out with a guy?

4. Guy: I hope you didn't bring a toothbrush because I don't think I want you to stay the night.

5. Guy: Yeah my ex-girlfriend was a psycho. She's still bitching about the time I knocked a couple of her teeth loose -that was like, YEARS ago!

6. Guy: So, um...do you always look like this?

7. Guy: Yeah I was in jail for a bit.

Me: Oh? What for?

Guy: Well they said assault, but hey I was defending myself. It's not my fault I brought a hammer -just shows I was smarter than he was.

8. Guy: Hey look at that girl -wow, she's hot. Seriously smokin'. She looks just like my sister.

9. Guy: So, like do you have any single female friends?

Me: Mmmm a couple -why, one of your buddies looking for a girlfriend?

Guy: Nah, I was just thinking it would be nice if, you know, you and I and a couple of other girls all went out, you know, like as a group. I mean, I'd like you best and all...

10. Guy: Sorry I'm late -my wife started in on me while I was trying to leave and then she woke the baby up.

Me: Oh, um...sorry?

Guy: Ah that's okay -she's just all moody because she's pregnant.

11. Guy: I think tattoos on a girl are tacky -I mean, seriously, they make her look like a whore.

Me: *stares down at tattoos*

Guy: What?

12. Guy: Nah I don't read much -who needs books when there's television?

13. Guy: I think I should go -my mom gets upset if she can't tuck me in.

14. Guy: So you're a student -that's great! What are you getting your degree in -and please don't say it's one of those artsy fartsy degrees like film or something. Those people bore me.

15. Guy: You know, I've been really depressed lately. Sometimes I think I should just kill myself.

Me: Um, well...

Guy: Oh don't worry -I'll wait till I take you home.

16. Guy: Do you mind if we take the train? I've got 4 DUI's and a Hit and Run so they took my license. But hey, at least I'm not contributing to global warming anymore!

17. Guy: I hate animals. People's pets just creep me out. Cats are the worst. They're disgusting. I used to play kitty baseball all the time.

Me: *chokes on drink, leaves table*

Guy: What? What, you don't HAVE cats do you? Do you?!

18. Guy: You remind me so much of my mother. She's dead you know.

19. Guy: So are you cool with like, roleplaying?

Me: Oh, well, I suppose sometimes it's alright...

Guy: Great! Oh that's awesome! I'll send you a website where you can customize your own Star Wars outfit -they've got some hot stuff for chicks. We're going to get along so well, I can just feel it!

20. Guy: But if you were a whore, I'd pay you!

And there you have it -things you should never say on a date and that you pray you'll never hear. It's amazing I still believe in true love and romance and all that crap.

What?! I do!

For all of you suckers with your ball-and chain counterparts, remember that every day SHOULD be special. And always wash your own underwear. Believe me, it saves a lot of resentment from building up.

Next Week's Topic: It's a Mystery!