Better Living Through Absurdity

Better Living Through Absurdity


This is to be a weekly series showcasing random incidents, encounters and thought processes that while strange, bizarre, sad or even painful on the outside, contain such elements of the ridiculous as to be made ultimately benign and in some cases, extremely enjoyable. These tales may be my own, or someone else's, they may consist of a lesson learned or something of such randomness as to be almost inconceivable. They may even be my personal ruminations on everything from the platypus to politics. Whatever they may consist of, my hope is that you will laugh, smile, ponder and ultimately, find yourself a little bit more lighthearted for the reading of them.



Today's Topic: Grocery Store Shenanigans

Most people I know hate grocery shopping. It's an inconvenience that they force themselves to go through as little as possible and as quickly as they can, gritting their teeth the entire time. Personally, I love it. Now part of that is due to the fact that I'm a cook and I enjoy picking out ingredients, looking over the large selections of spices, meats and produce and mentally constructing meals in my head. The other part comes from the fact that the grocery store affords many interesting opportunities for crazy behavior, bizarre encounters and fun with food. Here are 2 examples of things you should try at least once at the grocery store:


1) Dancing with your shopping cart.


All of us can pretty much agree that grocery stores don't play the best music. It's usually either easy listening or light pop, occasionally classical if you're in some swank joint, and of course seasonal during the holidays. However, as much as we don't think the music is great, we generally know the songs -standards by Cyndi Lauper, Elton John, Heart, Bonnie Tyler, just to name a few. One way to combat the hideousness of your shopping soundtrack is to treat your cart like Ginger Rogers and pretend you're Fred Astaire (or in my case Gene Kelly since I don't have the forehead for Astaire.) Gliding down the aisle, spinning it around, back and forth in a light waltz or for the more adventurous, a jazzy conga, tossing things in on the beat, over the shoulder, under the leg...you can develop your own style but let me tell you -not only does it combat the boredom most folks have with their treks to the wonderland of food, but it can also improve your agility and form. Let me tell you, it's not easy slinging around a cart like it's a 110lb woman. You've got to be light on your feet or disaster can occur -displays can be crashed into, toes run over, collisions with fellow patrons, or should you attempt a particularly tricky maneuver like a dip or a release and recover, your cart can get away from you. Just be mindful of these dancing pitfalls and you'll be alright. Oh, and yes -you DO look ridiculous.

And you can be sure that they're watching you on the security cameras or from their respective departments. Other shoppers will think you're drunk, drugged or an escapee from a mental institution - and if you brought someone with you, well if they're not joining in then they're probably cringing with embarrassment. Screw 'em. Not only have you made your shopping experience more interesting and enjoyable, but you're giving them something to take their minds off of the fact that they are disgruntled about being there in the first place. Consider it a form of civic duty. (Disclaimer: Do not attempt cart dancing when store is exceptionally crowded or when your cart has a “questionable wheel” as this can lead to possible accident or injury and I'm sure in some rare cases, death.)


2)

This particular example doesn't always work necessarily but if set up properly, you can still get a laugh out of it. I've done this on several occasions and it has worked each time but I've had friends try it with mixed outcomes.

First, find a grocery store that's open 24 hours (or at least until 1 or 2 in the morning.) This is because fewer people frequent the stores late at night and also because it heralds the arrival of the “stockboy” -you know, the young kids who get a late night job because either they're in college and have to work nights, or they're the type that like to sleep all day and then get high and then sleep some more and then drag themselves to a job despite it being “fucking lame.” Yeah, you know the type.

Now, go and find the cracker aisle -usually it's parallel to the chips/popcorn/mixed nuts aisle, sometimes soda too depending on your store. Go and stand in front of the cracker section, and pretend you're looking very hard for something. Put your hands on your hips, look agitated, pace up and down, kneel to look at lower shelf boxes, mutter to yourself if need be. Regardless, make it look like you REALLY need something and can't find it. Eventually, someone will come over to assist you if you've played it right. If you're lucky, and odds are you will be because managers aren't doing to deal with crazies in the cracker aisle if they don't have to, it will be one of the types we mentioned above -and if the gods of absurdity are smiling down on you, you'll get a lackwit stoner kid.

Now, they'll shuffle over and ask if they can help you. At this point, you really have to turn on the acting -dig deep. Pull out a combination of Taxi Driver/Mommie Dearest/Little Caesar/3 Faces of Eve -and go to it. With a quaver of agitation in your voice say “Yes, I'm looking for something, and I don't see it -I don't think you have it!” at which point they'll undoubtedly ask you what you're looking for and with a bit more agitation and a hint of panic just keep repeating, “You don't have it -I don't see it anywhere. You don't have it.” If you can make the whites of your eyes show a bit more that's helpful too. Now they'll be a bit scared of you and they'll try to placate you, offering to look for whatever it is you need, just tell them what you're looking for. Now...and this is very important...when you tell them what I'm about to tell you, you MUST play it straight. You must act as though it is CRUCIAL that you get your hands on this stuff and that you FIRMLY believe it's an actual product. So, cut back a little on the hysteria, even slump your shoulders a bit, affect something of a disappointed/defeated look and say, “I don't see it. I'm looking for Soylent Green. I was told they had it here. I don't see it though.”

Now -this is where it kind of becomes a “choose your own adventure” -door number one leads to ‘guy has no idea that you're making an ass of him so he scrambles to look for it and upon not seeing it asks if you want him to get a manager’ and door number two leads to ‘guy looks at you like you're insane, tries to figure out if you are or if you're just messing with him and then tries to figure out how to diplomatically tell you that no such thing exists without making you think that he's calling you a liar or crazy.’

Now in the case of door number one, there are several things which may occur as he's trying to find your product. He may offer to go look in back -you MUST not smile or laugh or do anything to betray yourself as you can be sure someone's watching -and when he comes back, of course sans the Soylent Green, thank him in a rather pitiful and dejected tone and slump your shoulders a bit more.

He may ask you if it's a specialty product or my favorite, “Is it organic?” DO NOT snort or snicker or make any indication just how funny that really is. Instead say, “Why yes, it is organic -I believe 100%” and start to let a ray of hope shine in your eyes. He may then go to check their organic selections, but of course come back without it. Sensing your disappointment again, he might (if you're super lucky) make a suggestion, “Have you tried Trader Joe's or Whole Foods? They sell lots of organic things -I'm sure they'd have it there!” Again, do not laugh. Merely sigh a bit and thank him and say you'll go try one of those places. Then make a dignified exit.

Door number two relies on your ability to be a convincing stooge. If you can do this, the person will then believe that you have no idea that Soylent Green isn't real and will have to set about telling you in a way that isn't offensive or won't cause you to go mental on him. Don't protest too much or get too angry -he'll know something's up. Instead look kind of confused and pitiful, more sad than angry. Insist that someone (friend, family member, co-worker) told you about it and said you had to get some. If you can play it right, say they had some and you tried it and upon tasting how good it was and finding out how good it was for you, you decided you must have some. Eventually, the person will have another two choices to make -does he burst your bubble thoroughly, letting you know you were duped -or does he perhaps suggest an alternative place to go search for it? (In one case the guy was smart and suggested I look online for it, probably thinking I would soon discover that it was a hoax.)

Should he choose to ruin your faith in your fellow cracker-eating man, again -don't get overly angry, be more bewildered and embarrassed. Be the victim, not the person who gets security called on them. Should he choose to make an alternative suggestion, thank him for his time, affect a slightly dejected but with a ray of hope demeanor and again, leave with dignity.

I would advise that you attempt this at a grocery store that isn't your usual one as you can be sure that your little scenario will get passed around. Also, do not attempt this while drunk or under the influence of any narcotics as it may ruin your believability. Also, don't be too demanding or they'll do what so many of us who've worked retail have done at one point or another and that is to simply state outright that they don't have it or that it doesn't exist and then walk away.


And there you have it -two ways to make grocery shopping more fun or at the very least, more interesting. It should be said that if you can get a contingent of friends to go to the store with you and act out the first scenario, not only is it a sight to behold but it's a shared sort of insanity that will be both bonding experience and an excellent story for the future. You are not required of course to do either one of these things -but I have, and passed them on to others who have tried them as well. There were also incidents involving pre-packaged meat football, day-old roll hockey and one of my personal favorites, “Where'd the Peanut Butter Go?”

The lesson for this week is to keep in mind that even the most mundane of tasks, the things you dread having to do but know must be done -can be made more fun, more interesting and above all -more ridiculous, if you'll just free yourself from the shackles of conventionality and learn to embrace the absurdity of it all .

Next week –“Soundtracks for the Dead”

Thérèse