Better Living Through Absurdity

For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE to see the first installment.

Today's Topic: Soundtracks for the Dead

I'm going to give you a very simple piece of advice...start making your funeral soundtrack. No, no, no, I'm not suggesting that I just got a peek at your latest medical records or that I've got some contact in the spirit world who has let me in on a little something. Calm down...you're fine. Breathe. That's it -slow, deep breaths. Feel better? Okay -back to the soundtrack. The reason I say to do it now...no I'm not going to take your temperature! Knock it off. Now pay attention! Do it now or you might subject your family and friends to one of the worst things ever...

A depressing funeral. And who wants a depressing funeral?!

Here's the thing -generally speaking, we don't know how to mourn properly anymore. We either grieve too much or not at all, we become sobbing wrecks or we stuff it all down till it comes out at really inappropriate times (believe me, draping yourself over the lettuce bin at the grocery store to weep and wail over your dear departed, while everyone else just wants you to stop squishing the romaine...hardly dignified.) And yet it happens all the time. People make death such a dismal prospect at some funerals that there's hardly anyone who isn't looking over their shoulder (the amount of paranoia usually in direct proportion to the amount of alcohol consumed.)

So I give you 3 Things to Combat the Depressing Funeral:

1. Realize how ridiculous a funeral really is. Kind of like a wedding. 20 minutes of ceremony and intonations and ritual, 5 hours of erratic behavior, drunkenness, inappropriate remarks and more than a bit of discomfort. Look, most funerals take place what, 4-5 days after the death. Think about it -if the afterlife has an administration even closely resembling the kinds we have on earth (sort of a Death DMV), then there's no way in hell...pardon the pun...that your loved one has even finished paperwork and processing, much less has been assigned to their appropriate floor and given their required duties. So, this idea of a funeral being for the dead -get rid of it. They're still in line, trying to figure out if they're appropriately attired and what the weather's going to be like -I hardly think the notion of watching their body get dumped in a hole or stored in an urn is worth losing their place in line.

2. Don't act like a robot. People seem to come to funerals armed with what they think is a suitably stoic expression combined with a few trite phrases of sympathy and severely stiff upper lips. Now, people are highly responsive to their surroundings. If you walk into a room of people dressed in black, speaking in hushed and somber tones, looking furtively around at other people, snatching at finger sandwiches like it's their last meal and generally doing their best to look un-lively...well you're going to feel like you walked into an episode of the Sopranos probably...but then, you're just going to feel uncomfortable. You don't want to be the bastard that cracks a joke or god forbid, smiles. You don't want to be the one that seems “disrespectful to the memory of so-and-so.” So you hunch your shoulders, grab a finger sandwich, express your condolences and settle in for the duration. In fact, the most interesting thing that will likely happen is that you'll notice that black really DOES come in a lot of shades (pun not intended, but it IS rather a good one, isn't it?!)

Anyways -point being -go ahead and be that bastard. Look, it used to be when someone died, a funeral dirge was sung lamenting their loss and bravery and deeds and what have you -and then the rest of the time was devoted to telling stories about the departed. Good, bad, silly -didn't matter. Given that we had a much stronger oral tradition back then, it made sense that stories would be told and passed around so that future generations could hear them and know something about their ancestors -and not just the good and glowing things, but the things that made them human, that made them likable or deserving of loyalty or respect. It kept the memory alive, while leaving the body firmly interred.

So -tell stories. Remind people of experiences they had with the departed, show the family that's suffered the loss that you're not going to forget the memories you had of the deceased and that they're special to you. Chances are, they'll want to hear that. It's far easier than people realize to turn a funeral into one of the grimmest sort of “duties” - turning it back into a way for people to remember and to enjoy all that came BEFORE a death should be considered essential.

3. Finally -we're at the soundtrack. Now, as I mentioned before -people are highly responsive to their surroundings. Music is an especially significant influence on behavior and mood. Now, I've snuck in to my fair share of funerals (don't ask) and I'll tell you, music generally comes in three categories: The heavy, ominous and depressing classical stuff that when played on loop becomes more suited to sending your loved one down the River Styx to Hades than it does to a better place; the oh-so-saccharine smooth jazz-easy listening-crappy standards set that is like being at a death-inspired junior high school dance; and the “songs of inspiration as sung by some of today's hottest artists,” today's hottest artists being 80's throwbacks like Amy Grant, CeCe Wynans and Michael W. Smith.

Do you really want to go out that way?

Of course not.

So, I recommend that you begin compiling a list of songs that you feel are significant to you as a person (a living person, not a dead one.) Interestingly enough there are a lot of threads on various sites where people discuss what they would want played at their funerals. We all have songs or artists that take us back to very specific points in our lives or remind us of certain people. Some music is capable of inducing a sensory memory, making you feel like you're back in a particular place or time. That's important. It's part of who you are. And the odds are, at your funeral there's going to be a number of people who will hear some of the songs and say, “Oh man, I remember this! We were at a concert/on vacation/in the car/at college/having sex/having an argument etc. etc. etc.,” which will prompt the abovementioned stories that are so important.

Look, you can't be at your funeral. You can't do a whole heck of a lot to stop people from being sad or missing you. You can't be there to remind them of the good stuff. But your music can. Make a list, even burn cds with special songs on them. Just make sure that you let whoever would take care of such matters know that it's important to you that those songs are played. You might even consider telling them why or what's behind some of them -give your loved ones stories they can tell about the music and why you chose this song or that.

Of all of the uncertainties in life, Death is the most profound. We have no way of knowing what happens when we go. But we can rest assured (who knew there were so many good death puns?!) that we probably will have a funeral. Now, me personally, I'd like to go out in the Viking tradition -on a replica boat with my favorite animals and treasures and a big fire to carry my ashes to the sky. However, zoning and neighborhood laws make that a bitch so I'm just going to be happy if I can get away with having “Coconut Woman” playing rather than “How Green is My Valley.”

Next week: Dating on the Internet