Better Living Through Absurdity

For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE to see the first installment and if you'd like to see last week's entry, you can see it HERE

Today's Topic: Why I Don't Mind Having a Cell Phone

(Yes, I'm aware the topic was supposed to be Internet Dating -I've moved that to next week -but it will be better that way...trust me.)

So, cell phones. Wonderful, wee, portable devices that keep us connected wherever we go- except for dead zones, or out of area zones or the weird place in the building that seems to suck all electricity like some voltage vampire, or if you have the crappy service provider (here's a hint -that's all of them) -tiny little phones that become an extension of our bodies, fingertips melded to keypads, bluetooth buds absorbed into ears, cricket chirping homing devices and that one stupid Gwen Stefani song that ripped off Fiddler on the Roof or the countless nerds who put the theme song for the Empire from Star Wars as ringtones and mah celly be blowin' up (don't we all wish that would happen once, literally speaking) and "Wat R U Up 2?" and "Hit me up l8tr yo!" being texted so often you'd think the entire world had abandoned the written language and succumbed to some sort of cryptographic cipher, and then there's the bill, not just the fee for your plan but the fee for the privilege of USING all the beep beeps and boop boops and digital this and unlimited wireless web that that the damn phone is capable of, then the service fees and taxes and the "Ooops did you know calling 4-1-1 costs you $2.00 and you called it 20 times -sorry!" charge at the bottom...

Yes. Wonderful...useful...carpal tunnel-inducing...expensive...movie interrupting...digital apron strings...potential disaster at the gas station...brain cancer causing...IQ lowering...fantastic little soul sucking pieces of technology are cell phones.

But from time to time -something like this call occurs -and it makes having the ruddy piece of shite totally worthwhile. I'm sure you'll agree...

*phone rings*

Me: Hello?
Woman: Now listen you hussy!!! (Yes she really called me a hussy)
Me: Um...
Woman: Don't you interrupt me! Where are you?
Me: Well I...
Woman: Shut up! We gots 100 people waitin' on you and you got the nerve to stand up my boy, my boy who ain't never given me a day's worry in his life until he brought you home and said he was gonna marry you!
Me: Oh, ma'am, I think you have the wro...
Woman: I said SHUT UP! You think you're special, you ain't nobody! My boy wants to give you his name and you throw it back in his face -he's in there cryin' -CRYIN'! All because you think you're too damn good for him!

At this point I'm torn between getting angry at being called a nobody, and actually feeling bad that I'm not in church marrying the as-yet-unnamed son of this harpy. She interrupts my train of thought with some more vitriol...

Woman: I have half a mind to come and beat you senseless and drag your ass over to the church -the food's gonna spoil, we got family in from out of town and lord only knows what we're gonna tell the minister!
Me: Look, I'm really sorry but...
Woman: YOU'RE SORRY?! YOU'RE SORRY?! Oh you're gonna be sorry when I...

At this point she is interrupted in her flow -I can hear another woman and a man talking to her. Now I'm curious -do they ALL want to come and beat me senseless? Am I to be dragged to the alter unwillingly? Who is it I'm supposed to be marrying?! She comes back to the phone...

Woman: Who in the hell is this?
Me: Um...my name is
Woman: Nevermind. I know you ain't the bride. The bride just showed up -she had a flat tire and no cell phone.

I'm almost too flummoxed to say anything -then I come up with this gem...

Me: Oh well that's nice.
Woman: What kind of sick person are you, pretending to be someone else? Can't you tell this is important? I got better things to do than be wastin' time on the phone with someone who thinks this is a game!
Me: Of course you do.
Woman: I hope you're sorry...
Me: Oh I am. I'm glad the bride showed up.
Woman: Oh me too -my son's been a mess and now we gots to get this show on the road. Well, goodbye then.
Me: Goodbye...
Woman: And one more thing -I hope if you ever get married you gots the sense to show up on time!
*hangs up on me*

Now just think dear readers...such a delightful, romping bit of Americana never could have been experienced if I didn't have a cell phone.

Kinda makes you think, doesn't it? I mean who knows what unknown form of harassment is waiting to accidentally dial YOUR number?! The possibilities are endless! And if you think that the odds of it happening to you are slim, just keep in mind -the longer you have a cell phone, the chances of getting interrupted by people that have no thought for your time or well-being and in some cases, your identity, and who only want to yammer at you about inconsequential trivialities that don't even have the incentive of being interesting, when it's 3am and you've got to be up in three hours to go to work -well, they increase exponentially!

Oh yes, your day will come.

As promised, next week we'll tackle the basics of writing a personal ad in order to attract someone on the internet. Til then!