Better Living Through Absurdity

For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE for the first installment, and if you're interested the other entries are available as well. (2) (3) (4) (5) (6)

Today's Topic: Random Encounters

Yes I know it was supposed to be about travel, but I've been ill -so I decided instead to share two brief stories of strange and random encounters I've had, one this past week and one several months ago. I'll deal with travel when I'm not so woozy from medication!

Now, I'm known for having some strange encounters. I think this is due in part because of my ability and willingness to talk to just about anyone, and in part because whatever sort of cosmic circle I move in has branded me as a “weird receptacle,” meaning therefore that I get an inordinate amount of strangeness heaped upon me. And this is fine for the most part. As these two vignettes will highlight, these meetings can be both a source of amusement and edification, if you know how to look at it the right way -and I usually do.

Encounter 1: Courtesy Across the Pond and Back Again

I was getting my coffee one morning back in November at my usual 7-11, when a homeless gentleman walks up to me and says "Pardon me mum, but 'ave you got a couple shillin's?"

I was startled, because even though I know what shillings are, I've never heard that line before. So I politely said, "I'm terribly sorry but I don't."

He then asks, "Would you 'appen to have a farthing then?"

At this point I wonder if he's not only homeless but a former thespian of the Dickensian persuasion. Again, politely I say that I don't. I then offer him a dollar because, well...because it seemed like the decent thing to do.

He looks at me, and I shit you not, he says "Well, you have my thanks mum but iffin its all the same to you, I'd rather have a wooden nickel. You've a good 'eart and bless ye for it."

He says that decidedly British speech with a completely American accent. I didn't know what else to do so I went in and got my coffee and decided to buy him a cup of tea, seeing as they now have these nice fresh brewed pots available, and it was pretty chilly out -I figured he could use the warmth. I went outside and handed it to him and said in my best Cockney, "'Ere now, 'ow bout a nice cuppa to warm ye?" and handed it to him with a smile and as I'm getting in my car he calls out "God bless you mum" so I can't resist replying "God bless us everyone!" to which he waves and looks decidedly cheered up.

I hope if I ever am in that situation I maintain as good an outlook on life as he does.

Encounter 2: The Seamy Side of Sweetener

The other day I was running some errands and had to make a stop to drop off some letters at the mailbox. The mailbox was located in a strip-mall type area and as I walked back to the car, I looked in the windows of some of the shops -the furniture store with styles that look like a mix of 70's disco chic meets Danish experimental modern, the “club wear” clothing store for your flashy senoritas, the pawn shop that promised “discretion” and several dozen different guarantees, the garish fluorescent paint all but obscuring the window displays. You know -standard strip mall fare.

As I'm about to get into my car I hear a bad imitation of a stage whisper coming from my right side - “Hey... hey lady!” I turn and see a guy standing with what appears to be a TV tray, on top of which is a rectangular cardboard box. Now, the only thing that made me think he wasn't peddling drugs was the fact that it was so out in the open, and on a street with regular police presence. He was gesturing for me to come over and really, I wasn't at all concerned for my safety, so ignoring every after-school special warning I ever heard, I walked over to see what he was selling.

Enter the self-proclaimed King of the Black Market Honey Merchants.

He flipped up the lid of the box and began his pitch:

“Alright alright alright so here we got's your clover, supa-sweet and mighty fine, that shit's guaranteed good for toast or tea, then over here we got's some im-ported shit, from Switzerland or some place with snow and shit, good stuff, im-ported and guaranteed to be good for ya, this dark stuff, that's yo buckwheat honey, my personal favorite, and I done heard it's got those, whaddya call 'em -anti-oxid-ants, shit that's good for ya, good for ya skin, good for ya bones, good for ya blood -you know what I'm sayin' -and of course this ova here is the clover -guaranteed to be lucky you know what I mean, lucky! We got it all, we GOT IT ALL!! So what you say little lady, what can the Honey Man tempt you with?”

Now, I'm sure my face was a fine mix of confusion and curiosity, combined with a healthy dose of amusement. This was obviously a guy who'd cut his teeth peddling pharmaceuticals, graduated from the back of a trunk to a tv tray and unmarked glass jars of honey. That's right -unmarked jars of honey. I had to give him credit -it was probably a lot safer means of getting income...or was it?

I figured the Honey Man only took cash and I didn't have any on me so I asked if he'd be there the next day. He looked me up and down and gave me a highly supercilious glare before replying, “The Honey Man is mobile -we are a float-ting establishment. Don't attempt to find the Honey Man -he will find you.”

With that, I was summarily dismissed. I felt like I should bow. Perhaps I did. I don't remember. Somehow I left his exalted presence and got in my car and drove away.

Sure enough, he wasn't there the next day and hasn't been since.

That's all the absurdity we have for you today. As for me, back to bed. Next week we'll get to the travel topic -but I hope you enjoyed these random little encounters of mine -from time to time I'll share others that I've had. Guaranteed to make you smile, guar-an-teed!!!