For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE for the first installment, and if you're interested the other entries are available as well. (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7)
I must apologize for the delay in this -there really isn't an excuse other than I plain damn forgot -and I feel foolish for doing so. I wish I could say that my life is so exciting, hectic and chock full of activity, that I was otherwise occupied saving the world/curing cancer/leading a double life as an international woman of mystery/writing the next great American novel/being feted at the swankiest joints in town/making a home for stray animals or any other number of things that would mark me as “somebody” -but really, I just forgot. I remembered while sitting reading a trashy historical romance novel entitled Judas Kiss -embarrassing?...perhaps. But a shade more dignified than what I was forced to suffer through with the stomach bug. So, my apologies for the tardiness but it's here and hopefully, it's absurd enough for you. Now, I was going to write about travel -but frankly, I haven't had a vacation in probably ten years -so I'm bitter. Therefore, no travel column. My last real trip was to Canada to marry a man I'd never met. Chew on that for awhile.
Today's Topic: 10 Rules for Sex
I don't care if you're male or female or somewhere in-between. I don't care if your choice of partners falls under animal, vegetable or mineral. I don't even care if you've never had sex. There are rules. Not perhaps universal rules (though some think that insert Tab A into Tab B qualifies as such -and boy could they be proven wrong) but rather, things that you should at least consider before engaging in “the act” with a potential partner. Why -because considering them during sex can have...well negative consequences such as distraction which can lead to...well, mistakes or receiving an “incomplete” for the day. Also, if you start pondering things during sex, you can start to second-guess yourself, or your partner -and that can lead to a less than satisfactory experience...which for all I know, you happen to get off on. And of course considering them after sex, well that's like you didn't have to buy the cow because you got the milk for free, but you drank it all before the cookies came out of the oven so now you have no milk for your cookies...or some sort of metaphor akin to that. Think of it as trying to throw a bucket of water onto a small fire, after small fire has already burned down the house -not much point, now is there?
So...these are things that bear thinking about BEFOREHAND. Now, my general rule of thumb is to have a basic “sex talk” with anyone I might possibly perhaps someday maybe could have sex with, should we both be amenable to the idea. Why dear reader, do I not plunge headfirst, headlong and defiantly into passion and tight embraces? Well, because I too have made, shall we say...errors in judgment in the past...and I take great pains to avoid them now. You should too. Perhaps I can save some of you from making an awful mistake -or at least let you know that you weren't alone in doing so. Or perhaps I'll just make you laugh as you contemplate the serious ridiculousness of such scenarios where this advice is necessary -laugh, and also thank whatever gods you believe in that it never happened to you. Whatever.
Determine whether or not your partner is Carnivore, Herbivore or Omnivore. Believe me, nothing is more boring than a discussion about the evils of eating meat and the animal cruelty and the pens and the methods of killing and blah blah blah here choke on a lettuce leaf then. I respect people's eating habits (except for vegans because they don't count seeing as how NOTHING they consume would even qualify as food in the first place...but I digress) but I don't want to see a look of horror or, god forbid, a teary-eyed stare as I carve into my rare and juicy piece of red meat during the date meal. It spoils my appetite and it spoils any hope of actually getting physical with the person. Because frankly, the whole time I'd be thinking about whether or not it would be more humane to put an air gun to their temple, or just poison their drink. And that doesn't make for good bedplay unless it's consensual.
Grooming goes a long way. Bathing, trimming, shaving, moisturizing, pore-shrinking, mud-masqueing, shampooing, exfoliating, pumicing, brushing, filing, sanding, chiseling, waxing, rubbing down with alcohol and quick burning, eye-cucumbering, detoxing, de-wrinkling, anti-aging...whatever your routine happens to be -don't decide that the day you want to get lucky is the day you're also going to feel lazy. Believe me, that is definitely not helping to create an optimal wooing situation. I won't say that looking and smelling good will guarantee you'll be successful in conning someone into the sheets -but unless your partner of choice prefers the sort of relationship that runs on a per-hour basis, or is a member of a commune...well it generally won't work against you, that's for sure!
When it comes to cologne...choose subtlety over saturation. If you've followed #2, then just a bit of scent or aftershave can go a long way in enhancing your appeal. Causing your date to gag, retch, vomit, break out in hives, develop a migraine or go into a trance-like state, really doesn't bode well for second-date potential.
If you have any particularly bizarre, outlandish or off-putting (to the general public) kinks or fetishes, you might want to let your potential partner know that before hand. Unless you get your kicks from the look of surprise/horror/sad resignation on their faces...but seriously. It isn't a good idea to show up in a clown suit, or with a long length of rope and some duct tape or with a home pedicure set, if they aren't expecting it. Not only can it ruin the date, but it can make for some very uncomfortable explanations to local law enforcement.
If you're a lousy drunk...or you don't know how you are when you're drunk...or you lose basic speech and/or motor skills...here's a thought -don't drink! Because generally speaking, unless your potential partner is a die-hard pugilist or a serious masochist, you're probably not going to wow them much with your repertoire of insults, bodily emissions or passing out in random spots. And even if it was an accident, they aren't going to care if they wake up in a puddle of YOUR piss.
When it comes to “dirty talk” please understand the rule of authority. If you don't say it with conviction, they probably aren't going to want to do it. Hesitation, stuttering, fumbling -that doesn't inspire a lot of confidence in your partner. They want to know that you do in fact want something, and aren't just taking the advice of your friends or a woman's magazine and trying to “get edgy.” If you're really uncertain, pray you have an understanding partner -and make an effort to be more determined...use the same “go get 'em Tiger” attitude that landed you that promotion or raise, or won you the Little League game back when you were 8. Give them that sass that would make Maya Angelou proud. Whatever. Just at least try not to say “um” too many times. (On the opposite side of the coin, should you get one of those unfortunates, try as hard as you can not to laugh or give any indication that you are rapidly losing interest. I give people a lot of credit for branching out and wanting to try new things, and heaven forbid my snickering causes them to go back into the shell known as “missionary position.” Try to build up their confidence so that maybe next time, they can say it with the proper tone and perhaps the perfunctory slapping of the ass or tugging of the hair or whatever.)
If an understanding has been reached as far as procuring a hotel room for the night, jingling the keys, waggling the key card and your eyebrows simultaneously, making sly and yet unsophisticated references throughout the conversation or hurrying your date along so you can “get it on”...not classy. Sure, we get that you're excited. And if done right, we'll be the same way. But let the anticipation build -don't just have an appetizer -get dessert too. Draw it out. Enjoy witty banter, small but meaningful touches, notice details, let things build in your mind. Whipping your date through the drive-thru and then unceremoniously ushering them up to the room and then not even allowing them to get some protein in them before you begin pawing at them with french-fry oil laden fingers and milkshake fuzzy tongue...not an auspicious beginning. And for the record, if NO understanding was reached about hotel accommodations for the night, then NONE of the above should occur. (And PS -if you make plans for a romantic evening at a hotel -then don't go to a MOTEL. Believe me, it may be just one letter's difference to you, but I speak from experience when I say that it goes a long way.)
If you are uncomfortable with the various euphemisms for genitalia, or you don't know which one is appropriate, or you don't know if it's a good time to insert one into the “pillow talk” or, should you already be in the act, into the “dirty talk” that you're hopefully doing with conviction, then here's an excellent rule to follow -DON'T use a euphemism. And don't use the clinical terms either. Simply say that they feel good or look good or taste good or that you want to touch them or whatever. Because you'd be amazed at how much of a wrong turn can be made with an ill-chosen epithet for “naughty bits.”
Please make sure you and your potential partner have covered the “no means no” areas. Because it can be incredibly uncomfortable (pun slightly intended) should you be thinking “no means yes” and they really are of the “no means no” mindset. Communication is key -if you haven't talked about it, and it seems like it might be a bone of contention, to use another horrid metaphor, then you probably shouldn't chance it. And if your entire sexual bag of tricks is built around that one particular thing, it's time you got a new routine. There are no doubt millions of things you can do in bed. If you can't think of some substitutions, then don't be surprised when your partner declares they are allergic to eggs and hate nutmeg.
And finally, learn to observe, register and understand body language. You should be able to tell if someone is comfortable with you physically or with something you might be doing to them. Only certain kinds of rigidity are okay in bed. If your date is lying there like a corpse (again, unless that's your kink or it's consensual) or they are moving away from your touch, or they make a subtle noise that doesn't sound like one of pleasure, adjust your speed, direction and angle of approach, and try again. Sometimes it can take several tries, or a lifetime, to learn another person's body. But if you care at all about “repeat performances” so to speak, you really should make an effort to learn what the non-verbal cues, signs and signals they are giving really mean. If you know that you are compatible, then make an effort to respect them and make them comfortable. If you really want to try something new, bring it up in conversation, admit that it's something you're curious about -perhaps there's a way to accommodate their comfort level and your desires. If you two can't agree on a sexual balance, then perhaps you need to cut your losses and part ways. In keeping with #9, communicate -never be ashamed to discuss certain things, though of course tact and taste do help in making the other person comfortable with such conversations. Be open with your partner...because otherwise, well that's a clear “no means no”...isn't it?!
There. Take it and do with it what you will, provided it's consensual of course, and I hope that I've been entertaining, enlightening and edifying...or at the very least, you got some new metaphors for things out of the deal.
Next Week's Topic...I'll tell you next week.
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