Better Living Through Absurdity

For an explanation of what this column is all about, go HERE for the first installment, and if you're interested the other entries are available as well. (2) (3) (4) (5) (6) (7) (8)

Today’s Topic: The Joys of IM Conversation

I have a crazy friend –his name is Brando. This is the result of one of our late night IM sessions, both of us insanely tired, completely whacked in the grey matter, and with our bizarre and sometimes just plain WRONG senses of humor…and this is only the last part of the conversation!

And in case you’re wondering, this is pretty much indicative of my inner workings…give or take a bit.

Thérèse (12:13:16 AM): Of course if you want me to do phone sex with you, please send me your paypal account so I can bill you
Brando (12:13:21 AM): You don't do COD?
Thérèse (12:13:45 AM): not for first time customers
Brando (12:13:33 AM): DAMN
Thérèse (12:13:55 AM): perhaps we can work something out though
Thérèse (12:13:59 AM): after all, we do have something special
Brando (12:14:00 AM): Yes, we do.
Thérèse (12:14:18 AM): as for people de-stressing me
Thérèse (12:14:30 AM): yes -if they're the right people -sure -its a piece of cake
Thérèse (12:14:33 AM): sexual cake
Thérèse (12:14:35 AM): no
Thérèse (12:14:36 AM): just cake
Brando (12:14:45 AM): I think you were honest the first time.
Thérèse (12:15:22 AM): true
Thérèse (12:15:26 AM): cake is sexual
Brando (12:15:14 AM): HA
Thérèse (12:15:30 AM): its CAKE
Thérèse (12:15:35 AM): it has FROSTING
Brando (12:15:25 AM): yes, go on!
Thérèse (12:15:46 AM): you almost always inadvertently moan when you take the first bite
Thérèse (12:15:54 AM): if its good cake you moan with every bite
Brando (12:15:59 AM): And if it's chocolate cake?
Thérèse (12:16:34 AM): you look resentfully at the person sitting next to you and wonder why they aren't half as satisfying as this piece of cake
Brando (12:16:41 AM): Unless that unsatisfying person made you that cake.
Brando (12:16:44 AM): In which case.
Brando (12:16:53 AM): You're out of luck TWICE
Brando (12:17:07 AM): Because that cake probably sucks.
Brando (12:17:17 AM): Nothing worse than a bad slice of cake.
Thérèse (12:17:39 AM): true
Thérèse (12:17:46 AM): except bad sushi
Thérèse (12:17:55 AM): but I never equate sushi with sex
Thérèse (12:17:59 AM): so it can be as bad as it wants
Brando (12:17:52 AM): Only cake and sex?
Brando (12:18:33 AM): I can see why. At stripper parties, the woman pops out of a cake, not a California roll.
Thérèse (12:18:57 AM): exactly!
Brando (12:18:49 AM): Cheesecake photos, not sashimi pixs.
Thérèse (12:19:28 AM): if a woman popped out of a carrot or a lima bean -it just doesn't scream "do me!"
Brando (12:19:17 AM): Yes. Strippers never pop out of strudels.
Thérèse (12:19:40 AM): mmmm strudel
Brando (12:19:35 AM): Stripper strudel?
Thérèse (12:20:02 AM): If I had a better body I'd be the world's first strudel stripper
Brando (12:20:16 AM): That may be the funniest sentence I've seen all month.
Brando (12:20:38 AM): Because it implies there is a standard by which strudel strippers are judged.
Thérèse (12:21:21 AM): well you have to admit -tackling a strudel is a larger undertaking than a cake, generally speaking
Brando (12:21:15 AM): Yes, sure.
Thérèse (12:21:32 AM): you have to get the pastry just right not to mention the filling AND the frosting
Brando (12:21:33 AM): And for one to accommodate a stripper?
Brando (12:21:44 AM): You need a large crew.
Thérèse (12:22:05 AM): probably a crane
Brando (12:21:59 AM): HA
Brando (12:22:14 AM): OK, I'm going to bed thinking about your sexual cake.
Thérèse (12:22:47 AM): if you're a good boy, I might tell you the flavor
Thérèse (12:23:01 AM): and its not salmon
Brando (12:22:50 AM): Don't tell me. Let me guess.
Thérèse (12:23:16 AM): by all means
Brando (12:24:25 AM): It's got rum and chocolate in it.
Brando (12:24:44 AM): And a third taste....that needs more investigating.
Thérèse (12:25:05 AM): saffron
Brando (12:24:59 AM): Yes, of course.
Thérèse (12:25:22 AM): that's always the secret ingredient
Thérèse (12:25:25 AM): that or a bay leaf
Thérèse (12:25:37 AM): but saffron is more expensive -and I'm not a cheap cake
Brando (12:25:28 AM): Naturally.
Brando (12:25:37 AM): No Duncan Hines for you.
Thérèse (12:26:01 AM): I think I've officially reached a new level of ridiculous
Brando (12:25:50 AM): HA
Brando (12:26:37 AM): That's what late night IMs will do to you.
Thérèse (12:27:00 AM): that and syphilis
Brando (12:27:12 AM): You know, you can type wearing rubber gloves.
Thérèse (12:27:47 AM): I like to live dangerously -besides, I thought we were in a loving, monogamous relationship!
Brando (12:27:48 AM): Sorry, I found a tastier cake.
Thérèse (12:28:09 AM): *gasp*
Brando (12:28:04 AM): Man cannot live by saffron alone.
Thérèse (12:28:27 AM): that's a cheap shot
Thérèse (12:28:52 AM): I'm removing you from my top friends
Brando (12:29:28 AM): Forgive me, I will never have another slice of Red Velvet cake again.
Thérèse (12:29:51 AM): that's just dirty
Brando (12:29:45 AM): Have you ever had red velvet cake?
Thérèse (12:30:13 AM): once by accident
Brando (12:30:01 AM): By accident?
Thérèse (12:30:28 AM): she told me she wasn't due for three days
Brando (12:30:18 AM): ZING!
Brando (12:30:20 AM): POW!
Brando (12:30:28 AM): And on THAT NOTE
Thérèse (12:30:48 AM): oh man -that is more crude than I can comprehend
Brando (12:30:47 AM): Yes, I'm removing you from my top friends.
Thérèse (12:31:17 AM): don't flatter yourself -I wasn't on there in the first place
Brando (12:31:25 AM): That's because I have no friends.
Brando (12:31:27 AM): Sniff
Thérèse (12:31:49 AM): *hands you a piece of cake*
Brando (12:31:40 AM): Dare I say it?
Thérèse (12:32:01 AM): who needs friends when you have cake?
Brando (12:31:47 AM): Red velvet cake?
Thérèse (12:32:07 AM): GAH
Brando (12:32:01 AM): See, now you've ruined that for me.
Brando (12:32:08 AM): I actually DO like red velvet cake.
Thérèse (12:32:25 AM): *evil laughter*
Thérèse (12:32:34 AM): now it will only bring you a sense of shame
Brando (12:32:37 AM): Yeah, and a really strange smirk on my face.
Thérèse (12:33:06 AM): that's just the morphine
Brando (12:33:10 AM): Trust me, I'm stocking up. I'm gonna need it.